When The Spirit(s) Move You
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
Bad news, I am once again swiping a column from 1996. (Translated from the original hieroglyphics)
I am starting to have serious concerns about the mental health of some of our citizens.
A woman from Muncie, Indiana tried to shoot a callus off her foot with a shotgun. Now that in itself is not strange, what with the high cost of medical services in the States, however to get up the nerve, she drank a gallon of vodka and two or three beers.
Quite frankly, this just isn’t done. I spoke to a few of my medical sources and we all agreed that vodka and beer are much too low class for this type of radical surgery and she should have been more careful in selecting a beverage.
I called the editor of ‘Food and Drink’ a publication of the L.C.B.O., and spoke to her about the proper choice for a callous removal. She recommended either a bottle of Johnnie Walker Swing (L.C.B.O. Vintages 723395, $ 54.95) or a Bottle of Cuvee Dom Perignon Champagne 1985 (L.C.B.O. 23432, 750 ml, $101.05). Originally the Dom Perignon was $101.95, but we took advantage of their January specials.
When you walk into the Emergency Department at Soldiers’ carrying your foot in a Mike’s Milk bag, you will be treated with a little more respect if you have the heel of a bottle of Johnnie Walker Swing sticking out of your purse.
This is not an isolated case. We seem to have more and more wackos appearing in the news. Just before Christmas, a man who crawled into the holding tank beneath an outhouse toilet to spy on women, was sentenced to three years probation. I think once they cleaned him off, they would have noticed he was a vodka drinker. I’ve known many vodka drinkers and that sounds like something they would do.
Had they hauled him out and he was holding a jug of Dom Perignon in one hand they would have automatically assumed that he was doing a study for some environmental group and given him a government grant.
The world is filled with loonies these day. If they aren’t already elected to Parliament, they are wandering around loose bothering us sane people. I heard on the radio last week that some clown phoned the Royal Bank and told them he would stop trashing their ATM machines if they gave him two million dollars. In an effort to remain anonymous, he left his name and phone number.
At one time they locked up people like that. (This guy they might; according to the Packet, they found an axe in his basement), but too many dumb things are happening these days.
The craziest thing I have ever heard was some guy phoning the Talk of the Town Column and asking me, yes me, to investigate the Orillia Bus Transit System. Now that’s scary. He even thought I was intelligent. (I say ‘he’ because women instinctively know I’m as dumb as a post.) This poor soul has been duped by people like McGarvey, Kate Grigg and Bill Keller, who are spreading the rumour around that to write a column one has to have a few brain cells. I am living proof this is the farthest thing from the truth. But thanks anyway.
On the other hand, nobody had ever heard of Bernstein and Woodward, before they ran the Watergate story. This could be my big chance. I’ll need a partner. All the famous reporters have partners, like Bernstein and Woodward, Lois Lane and Clark Kent. I think I’ll team up with Debbie Halbot and… @#!*&$^#*@ (That was the missus, I guess I’ll have to go this one alone.)
In a way it’s my fault buses cost $350,000 each. When I was a kid in Toronto, it cost 3 cents to ride on one of Hollinger’s big buses. I used to get on and hand the driver a nickel. He’d give me back 5 pennies and then I would go and sit down. I beat them for 3 cents. After about three weeks of this, poor Hollinger had to sell out to the T.T.C. for a million dollars. What that has to do with the price of buses I have no idea, but confession is good for the soul.
I’ll tell you what I’ll do. If Jeff will advance me enough money to ride on the bus, I’ll look into the problem. But if Orillia Bus Transit will give me a couple of bucks to keep my mouth shut, well… money talks.
But back to the crazies, I think all these weird things that are happening, are caused by people watching ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ seven nights a week. Lately I’ve been trying to organize a lynch mob to go to the studio and get those people. I hate to keep harping about this video show, but now they’ve come up with the ‘World’s Funniest Videos’ and it’s even stupider.
At this rate, the Three Stooges will be on the Learning Channel by 1998.
(Image Supplied)
