Is That Your Only Question?
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
I know you have been wondering why I haven’t written any words of wisdom stolen from the world’s greatest storehouse of literary wealth, that fountain of knowledge that can only be found in the pages of Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers. I am going to borrow a few now. It is partly about cooking Butterball turkeys, but mostly it is about stupidity and people.
It will be a few months before Canadians fire up our ovens and even more for our American friends (assuming we still are friends when their Thanksgiving comes along, although I have no idea what they have to be thankful for.)
When Butterball turkeys first hit the market in the 1970s, a page or two of cooking instructions came with them, but as I do with almost everything I buy, I threw them out immediately and winged it. And that, dear friends, is when the trouble usually starts.
In the first year or so after many complaints by people like me, Mr. Butterball, or whoever ran the company at the time, opened up a telephone hot-line staffed by six home economists who frazzled cooks at home could call for sage (oregano and onion too possibly?) advice. The shock came when the turkey hot-line received more than 11,000 phone calls.
Here is just a sample of the problems Mr. or Mr. Homemaker were having and also the answers.
‘Should I remove the plastic wrap before I cook my turkey?’ –Yes!
‘I don’t want to touch the giblets, Can I fish them out with a coat hanger?’- Yes!
‘Can I defrost a frozen turkey using an electric hair dryer? Or by wrapping it in an electric blanket? In the aquarium with my tropical fish? In the tub when the kids are having a bath?’ No! No No!
‘I need to drive two hours with my frozen turkey. Will it stay frozen if I tie it to the luggage rack on the roof of my car?” If you live in Minnesota, yes. If you live in Florida, Arizona or Hawaii, no.
“The family dog is inside the turkey and can’t get out.”
They really did receive that one. What actually happened, the family Chihuahua climbed into the turkey when owner’s back was turned and couldn’t get out. The home economist instructed the chef how to enlarge the opening without injuring the dog. No word on whether or not the bird was eaten.
‘Does the turkey go into the oven head first or feet first?’ I would have suggested the turkey be left in the freezer and the cook put his or her head (or feet) in the oven.
‘I didn’t want to cook the whole turkey so I cut it in half with a chainsaw, how do I get the chainsaw oil out of the turkey?’ Toss the turkey and order Chinese food.
Here’s a few more questions the butterball experts didn’t even bother to answer:
‘How long does it take to thaw a fresh turkey’
‘How long does it take to cook a turkey with the oven door open the entire time? That’s the way my mother always did it.’
There are several more but most of those questions, believe it or not, were stupid. That’s hard to believe.
Don’t you wonder sometimes how the human race has survived this long and maybe more importantly, why?
And yet, some things that must have sounded ridiculous at the time turned out to be of great benefit to mankind
Edward Jenner’s work with the pustules of a cow resulted in one of the greatest public health revolutions in history. His discovery laid the foundation for immunology, helping to prevent diseases and extend global life expectancy. As marvelous as Ed’s work was, one of his descendants did something even greater. His great-great (several times over) grandson Bruce Jenner had an operation that changed a world-class male athlete into a remarkably homely woman.
Yes, great discoveries happen all the time and are still happening – again from Uncle John. ‘Hedgehog urine was once believed to cure baldness.’
There must be some medical qualities in hedgehog pee otherwise people wouldn’t have been using it. Just a suggestion now, but since we are going to be washing our hair with it anyway, I wonder if we aimed a hedgehog at our ear could a good squirt cure deafness? If I could get some Englishman to send me one, I could finally get rid of my annoying hearing aids.
(Image Supplied)
Rants & Raves
