No Time To Tie (Yourself Into A Knot)

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

You offer a sincere compliment on a great moustache and suddenly she’s not your friend - Marty Feldman

That timeless quote has nothing to do with today’s column. It just seemed like something stupid I would do.

I am afraid we must face a worrying trend caused by replacing long-established male heroes with women. I suppose the powers that be feel such a travesty is justified by appealing to a wider audience and hence earn untold millions for the movie industry, the stars, and the popcorn suppliers. Although they do so at the risk of losing the support of us die-hard fans who have stuck with them for lo these many years.

I realise I am fighting a losing battle here as society marches on to an ever-inclusive drummer, but sometime we purists have to take a stand and say, “No, no, a hundred times, no.”

I made little fuss when Mary Marvel appeared out of nowhere in 1942. (I don’t remember reading the Captain hustled his next door neighbour in a fit of lust. It could have happened, but at the time I didn’t know what lust was, and even now I’m not sure.) Supergirl showed up in 1959 which I found a bit odd since her cousin, Superman, had been leaping tall buildings since 1938. Just where she had been hiding for 21 years is a mystery.

I know, I know, we now have dozens of feminine heroes out there already doing great and wonderful deeds but these women are fictional. What I am battling is a real person, the great 007, James Bond. His upcoming film, No Time to Die will be Daniel Craig’s last and he will drive off into the sunset (or fog since after all he is a Brit) in his Aston Martin DB5 never to be seen again.

Who will be the next 007? Lashana Lynch, an astonishingly beautiful black girl. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not living in the 18th century, I know she would be an excellent 008, or possibly 009 (any higher and M will have to come up with a new numbering system) but she simply can’t be 007.

Think about it dear friends, James slept with most of the women in Europe and made a good dent in the ladies over here – with the exception of the original Miss Moneypenny, Lois Maxwell, a Canadian and she wanted to be dented. I never could understand why he would give her a miss unless it was because she was pure and decent as most of our women are. Either that or she was too kinky even for James Bond.

I have no problem with Lashana blowing up people or strangling them or just beating the crap out of them. That is just everyday run of the mill spy stuff. It’s the seducing that worries me. Joan Rivers said, “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes she’s a tramp.”

You know how people talk. At first she will be looked on as a little frisky and then, not exactly the Virgin Mary, that girl and finally if you date her you better be wearing a deep sea diving suit and see your doctor soon after. Society is so cruel sometimes. You might hear a man say, “When my old man was young he was quite a bounder with the women,” but you never hear him say, “Ma was the original good time that was had by all.”

Judi Dench was perhaps the greatest M of all time and she was a woman, although they did her in in Skyfall probably because she was now a superstar and they couldn’t afford her, but Judi never slept around. Well, we don’t know that for sure, but after all she was over 35 and what woman of such advanced years would be even remotely interested in sweaty things like that. Of course she could have any man she wanted and after the main event get one of the 00s to bump the guy off to keep the affair quiet. What good is having a bunch of guys with licenses to kill if you don’t use them now and then?

Now I am not going to prejudge Lashana Lynch and I will go to see her play 007, but all I ask is when she does get some guy in a headlock and begins to beat the crap out of him please don’t lose her femininity.

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