That’s What They Said

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

After I promised you I would not steal, beg or borrow any more material from Ross and Kathryn Petra’s The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said I’m doing it again.

If you buy their Page-A-Day Calendar for 2025 they might forgive me. Every day there is a new titbit. (I slip ‘titbit’ in every now and then because my cousin Sue thinks it is a bad word) How about this one?

(Online ad for Days Out Now canal tours of the UK.) Have you ever considered anal adventures? With multiple locations in the UK and various sizes available, it can accommodate up to 12 people.

I thought about signing up for the tour, but my colorectal surgeon poo-pooed the idea. Not only does the adventure sound a bit personal and likely more than a little painful, but who are the other 11 people who will be joining me? I don’t think I would want any of my friends there. It is one thing to invite a few couples over to the house for dinner and a few drinks, but there are some adventures most of us would rather experience alone. We have two bathrooms and one is fairy large, but 12 people? I don’t think so. Three or four would have to stand in the tub. Last year I had a colonoscopy and I don’t remember the doctor asking to see my guest list.

Back in March, Mary and I went to Cuba, there was a pushy lady in the WestJet line coming back who definitely would qualify for the tour. Had we had a Days Out Now brochure with us I would have signed her up on the spot. She was a real… never mind I won’t say it. John would only cut it anyway.

This misprint on a prescription inhaler sort of fits in with the canal tour.

1 VENTOLIN IN 100 MCG/DOSE: Shake well and inhale TWO puffs in the rectum for asthma.

It always amazes me what gets by proofreaders. One glaring error that started me on ad mistakes was a church sign from Racine, Wisconsin announcing the next week’s sermon. Get Behind Me, Satin. I knew the devil was a bit weird but it never occurred to me he was a cross-dresser.

How about this ad for an online garage sale? Great Light both fluorescent lights work Great ejaculate condition – well, maybe not!

Years ago, there was a reader who would write to the Packet quite often, every couple of weeks if my memory serves me, but he didn’t have email at the time and sent his comments in the form of a letter and someone on the editorial staff had to type it in. He wrote a letter complaining about the number of spelling mistakes they made. They ran the letter but spelled his name wrong.

I wrote in my column that it wasn’t the Packet’s fault. Their proofreader had retired because he had graduated from Grade Three to Grade Four and now had too much homework. Randy Richmond, my editor, phoned me to say he didn’t want to run the column. The reason was it wasn’t fair to the staff. Conrad Black had just bought the newspaper chain and slashed the budget so severely there wasn’t enough staff left to check anything. Whatever was typed went right into the paper. We didn’t run it.

Sometimes mistakes are made live by sports announcers and they can be hilarious. I seem to recall hearing a tape where someone announced ‘This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration’ which it sometimes is. On the same tape was this one, a football player had intercepted the ball and took off down the field. The announcer shouted ‘Look at the sonofabitch go!’ Whether he kept his job or not I never heard. I hope so, because the sonofabitch really did go.

It is easy to blow it in the heat of the moment when the pressure to come up with something is on, like sportscaster Tony Armstrong:

Australian skipper*, Tim Paine, is set to undergo neck surgery but medical staff remain confident he will be fit for the Ashes. Paine has a bulging d*ck that has – that’s a funny one – has been causing him pain. I’m going to throw it to you very quickly, Michael.”

Bulging, I would think that would be quite painful. I wonder if he thought of trying two puffs of Ventolin in his rectum.

* Captain of a cricket team. The only reason I added this is I thought Tim Paine must have been the skipper of a sailboat. 

(Image Supplied)

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