Mmmm, Cookies

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

January 20, 2019

I don’t smoke, never did. Having said that I read council has passed a new smoking bylaw. Now I know it is the sworn duty of our alderpersons to protect each and every Orillian from harm, but don’t you think banning smoking on the walking trails is going a tad overboard even for Orillia?

Nevertheless, as a law-abiding citizen I felt it was my duty to delve into the problem. This morning I patrolled the trail running behind the old Huronia Regional Centre. Sure enough I found a cigar butt and took it home in hopes of presenting it as evidence supporting their inane bit of legislation at the next council meeting.

Unfortunately when it thawed it turned out to be dog poop. Trail-walking smokers may be polluting Orillia but at least they obey the poop and scoop regulations.

I’m sure we all take or took our jobs home with us some days. And I’m sure most of us complain about what went wrong or how hard we had to work even though we do next to nothing most days and even then we goofed off half the time. (Not me! When I actually worked I goofed off all the time.) The poor souls at home really don’t know what we do while we are supposed to be working and get a distorted view of the agony we go through on a daily basis. Even Premier Doug must bulldoze his way home occasionally and moan, “Karla, I’m afraid I acted like a dictatorial control freak today.” And she would say, “I know, I know, dear. Let me get you some warm milk and cookies.”

What started me thinking about all this was something that popped into my mind while I was watching ‘Dave’ the Kevin Kline/Sigourney Weaver movie about a substitute U.S. president. It wasn’t them I was thinking about although I’m sure the scene where Sigourney stares at a naked Kevin in the shower must have been gruelling for both of them. I can picture Sigourney telling her husband at home. “I didn’t know Kevin was Jewish,” but I digress.

It was the role played by Frank Langella that caused me to mentally drop out of the movie for a few moments. Frank plays a total jerk in the film and I began to wonder what his grandchildren will think when they get to see the movie on TV. “Is that the same Grampa Frank who bounces me on his knee? I think I’ll apply for a gun permit in case he tries that crap again.”

There are many actors who have played rotten roles in the movies. Have you ever stopped to think about how those parts affected their home lives? Edward G. Robinson never had a role where he was someone’s dear old dad. He sold out to the Egyptians in ‘The Ten Commandments’ all to take a run at Debra Paget. I would have too, but we aren’t talking about me.

I can just hear him going home after a long day’s shoot and saying to Mrs. Edward G., “I had to drool over Debbie Paget for four hours today.” And Mrs Edward G. would say, “Oh you poor dear. Let me get you some warm milk and cookies.”

We never understand the trials and tribulations that make up the bulk of someone else’s job. Poor Bill Gates has to count his billions every morning and those stacks of hundreds get heavy. Dr. Phil has to sit and listen to so many tales of woe before he comes across one or two folks he can destroy on national television. And believe me, Don Cherry doesn’t like being obnoxious and dressing up like a circus clown, but that’s his job.

As I said at the beginning of this scholarly treatise on the world of work, the folks at home don’t really know how we suffer. A case in point is the abuse that the great Hollywood actor, Richard Gere, must have endured when he starred in ‘Pretty Woman’ with Julia Roberts. (My wife hates her. I have no idea why. Now she wants me to take her picture down from the ceiling over our bed.)

Can you imagine the complaining when Richard came home after a hard day at the studio?

“Alejandra, you couldn’t believe the day I had. Fourteen hours of lying naked in a bed with Julia Roberts. That woman can’t learn lines. All she had to say was, “I love you.” But oh no, she kept shouting, “Get your hands off me, you pervert” and stuff like that. Now the director wants to shoot it all over again tomorrow. “

And his wife would say, “Oh you poor dear. Where is Amnesty International when you need them? Now you just rest and I’ll get you some warm milk and cookies.”

Then Richard would have said,” Do you know what we have to do on Thursday? I have to sit on the side of a bathtub while she paddles around in there stark naked. The things I have to do for a lousy twenty million bucks a picture.”

“I know, I know. Now roll over on your tummy, sweetie.”

“Roll over, why?”

“Because I know the ideal spot to shove your warm milk and cookies.”

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