More Great Canadian Inventors
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
I’m back!
I guess you are sorry to see that. If you will recall I was rambling on about a speech I made to the Canadian Club way back in 2013.
What about some of other famous Canadians?
Waldo Ives, who invented a wet suit that would enable a scuba diver to stay under a frozen lake for five full hours . . . and his widow, Melinda Ives who discovered she was the beneficiary of a $200,000 insurance policy, moments before she was supposed to pull him out.
Or the late Cardinal Entwhistle who taught us never to walk through a Mexican arena in a red cardinal suit until after the bulls have been put away for the night.
Who here has heard of Two-Fingers Finkleman, the Rosedale veterinarian who discovered the best way to neuter a pit-bull is to wait until after he’s been put to sleep?
We should be celebrating the contribution of Midland’s Oscar Dweeb who invented the electric carving knife and bled to death the very first day – and his wife Thelma, who invented the off switch.
All Americans are justly proud of Robert E. Peary the great Arctic explorer who finally found the North Pole. But what about Henri du Charlebois de La Maison, a habitant from Trois Rivieres; he was the bozo who lost it in the first place.
We don’t talk enough about our own history. We are Canadians, but we are so timid – so wish-washy.
We forget some of the world’s truly outstanding people were Canadians. In spite of our fear of taking a chance, they hung in there. They risked everything to follow their dreams ―and they won.
Some of the most successful people in the world today were once unknown Canadians, but they threw caution to the winds and just a mention of their names today fills us with pride in our country, pride in our people, and pride in our accomplishments.
Take Oswald Tweege, a shy young lad from Prices Corners, whose dream was to play in the World Series. Oswald was a terrible ball player… never got out of the minors.
But he did not give up. He kept on trying and trying until finally at the age of 41, he was called up from Toledo to the World Series of 1939 and set a record that still stands today – the first man ever to be killed by a bean-ball in the first inning.
What about Canada’s own, Grace Grommet? Grace spent her whole life trying to get that big break and star in a Broadway Musical. After years and years of auditions, she finally got the female lead in Pajama Game. Then on opening night someone pulled her bottoms down.
Yes we have to do more than just dream, my friends. We have to try. To succeed we need to listen to the teachings of the great philosophers, men like Aesop who told the story of the ant and the grasshopper.
The grasshopper played in the sun all summer long while the ant worked day and night. But when autumn came the grasshopper had nothing and had to stay with his mother. The ant that had worked and worked, had chest pains and is on the waiting list at Southlake for a transplant.
Or the Hare and the Tortoise. You remember the story of that great race when the tortoise kept plugging away, mile after mile after mile. The hare took a nap and finally woke up just as the tortoise was crossing the finish line. The hare ended up with the silver medal.
The tortoise had to pee in a bottle ― tested positive for steroids and was disqualified. Not only that, the judge’s car backed over him.
Yes, my friends, we need to heed these stories and use them as a guide and an inspiration for our own lives. We are Canadians and we are better than everyone else. Don’t forget that. Our people have done wondrous things – inventors, some of the greatest inventions in the world today are products of the dreams of Canadians.
Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. One of the greatest inventions the world has ever known. If it weren’t for Alexander, I would never know the thrill of having someone call at 2.00 in the morning saying,
“Mr. Foster you helped TVO in the past. Can we count on you for another fifty bucks?”
There have been so many great Canadians who have gone on to fame and fortune. Peter Potlach invented an over-sized scraper that will peel you off the front seat of your car when the airbag hits you at 90 miles an hour.
Oh we’ve had our failures, of course we have, so many Canadians who for some reason didn’t quite make it. There have been hundreds of proud Canadians who were willing to put their lives on the line for others and paid the price.
David Doonesbury, who was last seen trying to train a seeing-eye tiger.
Merton Metcalfe, the great Canadian tragedy. Merton, a poor blind fiddler from Hawkestone, moved to Nashville, was arrested trying to pick out two cantaloupes at the A&P, while standing next to Dolly Parton.
I don’t know who invented the bra; but he had to be a Canadian. Who else would be dumb enough to invent an article of clothing that opened at the back? That’s like building a Cadillac with no doors and the only way to get in, is to climb through the back window.
Yes my friends, so many great Canadians. We are a race set apart by God because we are different – and we are different. Canadians are people who keep asking for more liberal divorce laws when everyone knows Liberals never get married in the first place.
Canada, our Canada, where everyone over fifty has to watch an American weather channel in the morning to try and figure out what the temperature is. Where you still see us old geezers wearing parkas in July, because we can’t decide whether twenty degrees Celsius is warm or whether we’ll freeze our buns off.
Canada, where they hire consultants to try and figure out why there are so many accidents on the 401 east of Kingston, when any idiot knows it’s because everyone is going 130 kilopascals an hour with one eye on the exit ramp signs and the other in a French-English dictionary.
We are a nation that is proud of its traditions and culture, where the ultimate in fine dining is six beers and a grilled cheese sandwich.
A Canadian is someone who won’t pay ten bucks to see the Swan Lake ballet but will gladly slip some girl a twenty to climb on the table and wiggle until all the beer falls in his lap.
That is when my speech ended. When I mentioned the beer the men in the audience remembered the Legion was open and every last one of them headed for the door.
(Image Supplied)
