Single? Wait.

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

I don’t suppose you have any idea what the first two week period of February is called in the singles world. It’s the Dating No-Fly Zone. It is the period (approximately 14 days before Valentine’s Day) when anyone thinking of starting a new relationship should give his or her head a shake.

Let this be a warning to you young lads out there, don’t be calling some young chick and asking her out until after the 14th. That goes for the, shall we say, ‘mature’ woman checking out the Internet for a hook-up with some young stud too. Gals who are anxious to meet for an evening of bedtime frolic with a member of the opposite sex at this time of year should stay in their own bedroom painting their toenails or whatever it is you do in there for hours on end.

And why is that you may ask. Because, dear friends, those two weeks are the awkward time in a new relationship when no one knows what to do about Valentines gifts. Do you buy one for a new love or don’t you? If you do, how much money should you spend? And maybe more important is how intimate a gift do you give if he or she appears to be the one? Intimate gifts can be a problem at any time in a new relationship. Giving a lace bra to a young lady you just met can be a sticky wicket if she is still living with mom and dad, especially if it is the right cup size. And milady should think twice about buying a pair of boxers with a fireman aiming his hose at the fly. That can be dicey if he has yet to leave the nest, so to speak, and mommy still does his washing.

As I was saying, suppose Webley has the hots for Winnifred.

Let us also say it is last weekend and Webley has just finished watching an NC-17 rated educational movie filled with the joy of being alive among other things, when his thoughts turn to Winnifred Gooch, the young lady who sits in the next cubical at the Constipated Life Insurance Company. (Dating someone in the office is not a good idea by the way. A man’s inability to rise to the occasion can become the topic of conversation around the water cooler for decades to come.)

Nevertheless, our Webley calls right away, forgetting the movie he was watching didn’t even come on until 2:00 o’clock in the morning. Still half asleep, Winnifred agrees to meet him for drinks the following evening. To be honest, she can’t quite remember which bozo in the office Webley is, but after all free booze is free booze.

Be-damned if they don’t actually like each other in spite of the fact he wore white socks with a suit and Winnie wore a Tee-shirt that says, Property of the Toronto Maple Leafs, a sure sign of a loser about to be traded. The evening went well. They didn’t end up in bed or anything but at least she didn’t call a cop when he kissed her on the veranda. (For you younger folks, a veranda is a sort of deck on the front of a house, not some obscure part of a woman’s body seen only in medical text books.)

As he is leaving, Webley suddenly remembers the 14th of February is fast approaching. Moments later as Winnifred is removing the Kleenex stuffing from her Maidenform she remembers the same thing. Both are faced with the age-old question, ‘Do I buy, and if so, what?’

Fortunately Little Jimmy Dating Service has a formula for gifts for such occasions developed by a group of scientists who for reasons no one can fathom are still single. This patented approach is based on the intensity of one’s desire to get close to the chosen partner and how far along they are on the road to bliss.

For the men out there:

If you have been seeing a young lady from one to two months – how about a sandwich toaster, from two months to a year – kinky underwear purchased from a mail order house and shipped in plain brown paper, from one to five years – a teddy from Victoria’s Secret, over 5 years – anything off the dollar rack at Home Hardware.

For the ladies:

One to two months – a carton of breath mints, two months to a year – thong underwear (for you), from one year to eternity – boxer shorts with an elastic waistband for the boyfriend, thong underwear for the friend with benefits.

Oh I almost forgot one important piece of advice for the single gentlemen out there. For heaven’s sake man, stay away from NC-17 rated movies during the first two weeks in February.

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