Comparative History, According To The Minister of The Inferior
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
Things change! What was funny even a little while ago may not be funny now. I found a speech I gave to the Canadian Club way back in 2013. At the time Canadian-American relations were, well, let’s just say they weren’t exactly the way they are now. Come to think of it, I don’t know what way they are now. They sure in hell are not the same folks we knew a few years ago. Most of them were pretty good guys in 2013 when I gave this little harangue, but now I’m not so sure.
But here goes….
I don’t mean to pick on Americans because we are their closest and sometimes only friend. It is important we try to understand them even if no one else does and keep them out of harm’s way. Yes, I know the US is the most insane place on earth – well next to Coldwater.
(I don’t know why I picked on Coldwater. What did they ever do to me?)
I said a couple of times the difference between a werewolf and a girl from Coldwater was a werewolf is only covered in hair once a month.
The first time I said that in a speech I was rambling on about nothing in particular at the Leacock Home’s Swanmore Hall; only that time I said ‘a girl from Arkansas’. After it was over, a lady came up to me and said, ‘I’m from Little Rock, Arkansas’.
She was laughing though. I was going to say something about her hairy legs but in the interest of Canada-US relations I said nothing.
The trouble is Americans, there are so many and they are big enough to do any damned thing they want.
They weren’t stupid enough to buy into the Celsius and kilopascal stuff. If it’s 75 degrees, it’s 75 degrees. They don’t need a calculator to figure out whether it’s hot or not. They stayed Imperial, the way it was supposed to be. If God had wanted us to use the metric system he’d have made us all French.
Like the lady said, “If God wanted us to speak all those foreign languages; he never would have written the Bible in English.”
A Governor in Texas actually said that after someone suggested the state supply Bibles in the schools in Spanish for the Mexicans.
But I’m not here to praise Americans, what I’m here to tell you is we are Canadians and we are better than anyone else. But we have to start acting like it. We have some of the brightest people in the world right here – well not here in this room.
Americans celebrate their past and their heroes. They have statues of Civil War generals in every park, sculptures of Presidents carved into the side of a mountain.
All we have are a few statues of dead Prime Ministers, covered in bird-poop.
In Ottawa we have a statue of Queen Victoria. Oh no, we didn’t put up one when she was 19 and sexy, we stuck one up when she was 70 years old and had her hair in a bun.
The Americans have movies, books and TV shows about their heroes, men like Daniel Boone, Davy Crockett and Wyatt Earp. And the best part is, just like our heroes, most of them were drunks… or never existed at all. They made them up – sure they did. In Tennessee they believe Daniel Boone killed him a bear when he was only three. If he did the bear choked to death while swallowing him.
We keep apologizing because Sir John A. MacDonald was into the sauce most of the time. The Americans would have named a saloon after him and every hotel in the United States would have a big sign on the door “Sir John A. passed out here.”
We need to teach our grandchildren about our own Canadian heroes, but we have forgotten them – great men like Gaston La Roche, who led a wagon train of settlers from Stadacona on the St. Lawrence in 1648, into the wilds of Ontario.
It was a disaster – he couldn’t read the English signs and they were last seen wandering around Cornwall looking for a gas station with free road maps.
We never heard about Running Bear Deviller, a half-breed trapper and shipbuilder, who invented the cement canoe.
It was an unqualified success. Unfortunately he shot the rapids at the Lachine, Quebec. The canoe ran right down the main street of Chateauguay at 70 miles an hour and wiped out the last liquor store before New York State.
We were never taught about Laura Secord’s sister, Bessie, who entertained the American troops in her bedroom while Laura sneaked across the border.
Laura got all the credit and was given her own chocolate company. All Bessie got was a thank-you note and her house was quarantined until her rash cleared up.
George Washington carved his own wooden teeth.
What about that great Canadian, Fanshaw Farquarharson, he carved his own teeth, but he carved them out of green wood. By the time he had finished his salad his teeth were coming through the top of his head.
Every October, tour buses come from miles around just to show our seniors his fall colours.
We have never appreciated our heroes. The Dutch have talked for centuries about Peter, a young boy who stuck his finger in a dike until help arrived. You never hear Canadians brag about Pierre Elliot Trudeau who stuck his finger in the air and taught us all a universal sign we can use to express our feelings towards the Government every day.
The Americans never stop talking about their great architects, men like Frank Lloyd Wright, who built fine homes and office towers. What about our architects? Men like Frank Lloyd Wrong who built a skyscraper in downtown Toronto entirely out of ice. Unfortunately they invited dignitaries from all over the world to the dedication on Canada Day, but when they got there, it was gone.
Oh sure, sometimes our inventors distinguish themselves and make a fortune. But always by accident, Bombardier is credited with inventing the world’s first successful snowmobile. That’s not what he was doing. The silly ass thought he had invented the belt sander and by the time he got it stopped he was in Labrador and every drunk in Montreal was lined up to buy one.
With that I must rest. I will finish next week
(Image Supplied)
