Let Me Sleep On It, And I’ll Get Back To You
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
Have you noticed lately scholarly articles are popping up on Facebook or on-line search engines telling us we should be careful if we sleep on our right sides They are usually written by medical experts and explain the dangers that may arise if our innards hang the wrong way while we are sleeping. I am not sure why these busy-bodies came up with this theory since I never finished reading it. I immediately tuned out trying to remember which way I sleep. Now I don’t sleep at all. I lie awake all night in case I roll onto my right side and die before morning.
I am certainly not saying their advice is wrong, after all I believe most medical people have some sort of training. Nevertheless, the next time you are in a doctor’s office take a good hard look at his or her degree hanging on the wall next to the poster of a bare-naked person without their skin on. Make sure it is from some accredited university with real squiggly writing and not from some on-line quasi medical school guaranteeing hospital privileges, but only in Borneo – the best place to buy leeches.
I find it a little odd this important bit of information is coming up now, in 2026. People have been sleeping every which way for tens of thousands of years. Suddenly we are doing it wrong.
The professionals could be right for all I know, but what’s more important is what do marriage counsellors have to say about this? These people are far more attuned to the proper sleeping positions than doctors, or should be. How people sleep and in what position could be important to marriage counsellors especially if the woman involved is armed and her husband and the therapist are hiding under a desk.
I suspect what the medical people are suggesting is when couples go to sleep they must not face each other. Well they can’t can they? If both are lying on their left side, depending on who sleeps where, she is looking at his bald spot or he is looking at her granny nightgown, the worst article of clothing ever invented by the way. If a wife buys one the marriage is pretty well down the tubes and her beloved may as well grab his pillow and head for the couch.
What do you and your bed partner do at your house?
Let us listen in as an average Orillia couple beds down for the night. They usually start out facing each other unless they are already spatting over where he was the night before until 2:00 in the morning.
She says, as he lovingly reaches for her, ‘Your mother hates me!’
“No, she doesn’t hate you, my pet. Granted she thinks you are a bit of a control freak and can’t get over the fact you spend all day with a bag of potato chips and a bottle of wine browsing through countless diet magazines yet your bum is two axe handles and a plug of chewing tobacco wide. It’s getting wider by the way as everyone but you has noticed.”
“One more thing, even you will have to admit you are not a fastidious housekeeper and that’s the reason Mom wears disposable gloves whenever she visits, which is not often since you are not what most people would call ‘friendly’. Let’s face it, my dearest, ‘a gracious hostess’ you ain’t. Now that you are finally sober and we can discuss this rationally, last year you invited my family over for Christmas dinner which was quite nice, but the Chinese takeout was a little unexpected. Dividing the bill by 12 and insisting on cash only before slamming the bag and paper plates on the dining room table was a surprise. Except for these minor character flaws she loves you. But speaking about mothers, what about yours? That old bag doesn’t speak to me at all.”
‘Well of course she doesn’t speak to you, she never liked you in the first place. You knew that at the wedding when she followed us up the aisle shouting, “You can do better, dear. He’s wearing white socks with black shoes, for God’s sake.” Not only that, she thinks you are a bit of a girly man and why shouldn’t she? What kind of man drinks chamomile tea every afternoon in a fancy China cup with his pinky finger stuck in the air? She didn’t buy you a bra and panties set for your birthday because you play for the Blue Jays.’
‘I suppose she’d rather I watched baseball and drank beer all day like your old man. Your mother actually finds it funny when he says to our son, ‘Hey Ned, come over here and pull gramp’s finger.‘
After that the conversation could get nasty.
(Image Supplied)
