Riding Bareback – The Rest Of The Story
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
If you will recall we were discussing the famous bare-naked ride of Lady Godiva. This next section is from the play written by William Shakespeare or Christopher Marlowe – each blames it on the other.
Let us return to Mercia Manor, Coventry where we find her husband, the Earl, sitting on a bench in the courtyard, whittling.
Enter his manservant, Wiggins.
“Your lordship, the Chief Constable waits without.”
“I know the feeling.”
“No, your Grace, I mean he’s waiting outside in the street.”
“Oh, in that case, Wiggins, convey the message that I shall receive him within.”
“Within what?”
“Within the… are thee playing at confusions with me, Wiggins? Thee are getting to be a bit of a pain in the fud lately. Mind thy tongue or thee may find yourself out on thine arse with thy tongue in thy hand and no employment. Tell him to come in.”
(Enter Constable)
“Ah, Chief Constable, how fares it?”
“Well, your Lordship. I thank thee for asking. I trust thee are still hanging in there.”
“That’s about all, Chief Constable. I’m 70 years old, you know. What can I do for thee?”
“Perhaps we could converse in private, your Grace. I have a matter of some import to discuss.”
“Certainly! Be off, Wiggins, and don’t be hiding behind yon tapestry this time or I’ll have thee flayed, drawn and quartered and flung to the dogs.
(Wiggins exeunts – and fast)
“Now Chief Constable, you have news?”
“It’s about the Lady Godiva, your Grace. I fear there’s been a bit of a balls up.”
“Parking tickets again? I told the silly wench, ‘Whenever thee tether thy mount outside the milliners, thee must shovest a coin in the meter or thee will get a ticket and eventually thy steed will be confiscated.’ How much is it this time, Chief Constable? I shall once again open my purse and pay the fine.”
“Alas, your Lordship, it is not a parking ticket that I have come about. I’m afraid her Ladyship has the populace in a tizzy. As a matter of fact they can see her tizzy and several more points of interest besides.”
“Egad, Chief Constable, you mean she is downtown and her dress is in disarray? Please be kind enough to inform her Ladyship that she is exposed. I hope the peasants cannot see her ankles. They are pleasant to look upon to be sure, but should they see the beauty of her fetlocks I fear they would be too much for the simple folk of the realm. Perish the thought that a commoner should see her knees. Why one glimpse of those twin beauties and even mine old heart starts to palpitate and there is a stirring in my lions.”
“I believe you mean ‘loins’ your Grace.”
“Yes, it stirs there too. Well, much obliged, Chief Constable, for your visit, but I must get back to my whittling.”
“Pardon, Your Lordship, I fear more than her Ladyship’s ankles and knees are displayed to the peasantry. I’m afraid she rode through the Market Square bare-naked astride her steed.”
“Beg pardon, Chief Constable, the echoes are bad here in the courtyard. It sounded like you said Milady is riding through the streets of Coventry stark naked. I must have a tradesman quote on covering the battlements with acoustic tiling. Now back to my whittling.”
“Your Grace, her Ladyship’s buttocks are on display to half of Coventry and the other half is on their way down town to catch the show. The Council has even commissioned a special bus tour for the seniors.”
“Omigod, throw a blanket over her or something. She’ll be so embarrassed when she sobers up.”
“She is sober, milord. She is protesting thy high taxes.”
“My taxes? Zounds, does the woman not realise that it cost money to run a fiefdom? Why my household serfs alone costs a fortune – what with silken livery, wages and benefits. Does she realise what dental plan premiums run at these days?”
“Not all that much I imagine. It’s 1062. None of thy vassals have teeth.”
“Well perhaps that wasn’t a good example. But things are expensive. I’m sure her Ladyship would whine most exceeding if I cut off her clothing allowance. How would she like it if she had to run around with her nether cheeks hanging out of her pants?
“Actually she seems to like it – especially after the ‘whoo whoo whoos’ she got when she trotted by the Rose and Crown. When I left, she had dismounted from her steed and was dancing on a tabletop. Thy subjects were throwing coins at her.”
“Coins, you say?”
“Yes, your grace. Shall I send in a squad to close down the place and escort her to the manor?”
“You did say, ‘the peasants were throwing coins at her naked body.’
“Yes, milord, shall I send in the troops?”
“I think not, Chief Constable. But do have the tax collector scoop up the coins. And whilst you are at it, announce that her next performance will be at the Jolly Goat Tavern at 3:00 o’clock.”
