Something’s Twisted Into A Knot

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

Once in a while things that on the surface may seem weird turn out to be a godsend when studied closely. Let us take for example the ever-popular Instant Underpants being marketed by Archie McPhee. Archie is a novelty products dealer based in Seattle, Washington. You may not have heard of him but I’m sure you are familiar with one of his big sellers. Yes, of course you are, his 22” squawking rubber chicken with vinyl skin that feels exactly like a plucked chicken with the loudest squawk in the business. Just what that business would be I’m not sure but no one would lie about a thing like that. As Arch proudly says in his website, “It’s one big mother clucker.”

What a wonderful thing that would be to take to a wedding. When the holy person says “Does anyone know of any reason why these two rascals who have lived together since 1949 should not be joined in holy matrimony speak now or forever hold your peace… ” and suddenly “SQUAWK.”

I would strongly advise you to have something to eat before you get there. Chances are your dinner and dance invitation will be revoked.

But let’s get back to his Instant Underpants. (I mean the ones he is selling not his own personal underpants – assuming he wears underpants and doesn’t wander around sans culottes as they say. Who they are I have no idea but somebody must have said it although I have no idea why.

The garment is compressed into a pellet and stored in a metal tin the size and shape of a hockey puck. When one feels the need for a fresh pair of underpants one simply puts the panty-puck in a bowl, pours water over them and voila the puck expands into a pair of one-size-fits-most reasonably normal people unisex briefs. They will be soaking wet, but as the brochure says, “It’s better to have damp underpants than no underpants at all!”

I have a little problem with this one size fits normal size business since Callista Flockhart’s under-britches would be no larger than a pocket hanky while Roseanne Barr’s were once used as the mainsail on the Bluenose.

You probably thought I was writing about something stupid.

Now, let us examine reasons why you should suddenly need instant underpants. If you are a Scottish laddie you can skip this part since the last time you wore any underwear at all it was a diaper.

Now the reasons why you should buy Archie’s Instant drawers: the obvious one is of course that sudden sneeze when you are in the line at the bank, a sneeze so powerful it causes the total meltdown of your exhaust control system. That actually happened to a boss of mine one afternoon at the TD bank back in the days they closed at 3:00 then re-opened from 4:30 to 6:00 on Fridays. I was standing behind him. He just turned and said quietly, “I’ll see you Monday.” then waddled awkwardly out the door.

Knowing how embarrassing that must have been for him, I only told a few dozen people. One unfortunately was a reporter for the Packet and Times. When I got to work on Monday, the business had closed and the owner had moved somewhere leaving no forwarding address. He didn’t have to close his account; the bank did it for him.

But had he had a pair of Instants, he could have waddled out the door, slipped up an alley and within seconds he could have been back in line with soaking-wet underpants covering his privates and rivers of water running down his legs. Of course he would still smell bad but one can’t have everything.

Another reason you might suddenly need underpants would be if your husband or wife found yours under the front seat of the family car. You simply say, “They aren’t mine and if you would kindly bring me a bowl and a gallon of water, I’ll prove it.”

Trust me to take a sensible subject and make it ridiculous.

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