A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
A man in Colorado shot himself in the foot trying to impress a girl on their first date. Apparently he and his new love were barbecuing and he decided it was an ideal time to demonstrate his safe gun-handling skills. (In Colorado, foreplay differs somewhat from that of normal human beings. This may explain why their newlyweds wear flak jackets under their pajamas.) In Denver, a good-looking man is judged, not by his facial features, height and muscular physique, but by the number of bullet holes in his lower extremities.
What I find surprising, isn’t that this wacko tried to aerate his own arch supports, but his lady friend said to a reporter, “I certainly hope I get a second date. He is a lovely man.”
I’m sure he is – if you’re into limping and a lot of blood. I suspect this girl has been going through a rather lengthy dry spell and would have accepted a date with Bigfoot as long as he shaved. In her case the answer to the age-old question “Are you glad to see me, or is that a revolver in your pocket?” may be “both”.
We can’t overlook the fact this 21st century Matt Dillon and Miss Kitty live just outside Denver. The air gets a little thin at 5,000 feet. Most people go a little strange after a few weeks without oxygen. And as usual, in this case a jug of wine was involved.
While I was reading this little snippet, it occurred to me that this man obviously has not read Little Jimmy’s Dating Guide for Apprenticed Lovers. Any man who pulls out a gun (or anything else) on a first date could do with a few pointers.
A few years ago in my article for teens, I discussed a number of my own romantic exploits, hoping the story of how I overcame the shyness and extraordinary good looks plaguing me throughout my formative years and beyond might be of some benefit to the modern adolescent. I can’t begin to count the number of teens I have helped enter the complicated world of dating and interpersonal relationships.
I thought today I would update my guide, not so much for fledgling lovers starting down the thorny road to marriage and connubial bliss, but for older male suitors trying to re-enter the field before his get-up-and-go gets up and goes. Dating is especially difficult for seniors who are once again looking for partners and haven’t kept up with the new rules. For instance, it is no longer necessary to give a girl’s father two cows and a goat for her hand, although a bottle of single malt scotch is still acceptable.
A friend from the Champlain Seniors decided to propose to a handsome widow. Things were going smoothly until he got down on one knee, it locked on him and he fell over. She had to call 911 and they took him away in an ambulance. By the time he recovered from the knee replacement surgery, he had forgotten the widow’s name. It didn’t matter anyway. She ran off with the ambulance driver.
- Wear your hat backwards at all times. As Bob Dylan once sang, “Times, they are a-changin”. In some of the finer restaurants you can’t get in now without a hat. Not only will the maitre d’ tie a dirty dishrag around your neck because you forgot your tie, he’ll plop a Blue Jay hat on your noggin whether it matches your muscle shirt or not, and f by some stroke of luck you end up in the lady’s bed – keep it on. Once you take it off she’ll see how old you really are. Although, when she has to give you oxygen after, she’ll already have a pretty good idea.
- Buy a cell phone and talk on it for hours about absolutely nothing. Keep it with you all the time – especially in bed. You can call a friend. It will give you someone to talk to while she is talking to her sister on hers.
- Crank your car radio up to 110 decibels until the car shakes – and roll down the windows. You wouldn’t want your neighbours to think you are so cheap you haven’t got a radio.
- Let your jeans sag down so far that half your nether parts are on display to anyone interested, which won’t be many.
That’s about it. Oh, one other thing – if you actually get past the hand-holding stage, make sure you have your Ontario health card handy.