Jim Foster

If you recall, just before you sat down to dine, and considerably before you killed that bottle of fine wine and threw up on the living room rug…

Swinging doors require hinges, hinges require screw nails, screw nails require a door frame, door frames require more wood.

Let us assume you have managed to expropriate a few feet of lumber from a local building site while the security person was making his morning pit stop to the Fiberglas portable potty.

“Really? Well don’t get too fond of him; we are putting the crazy old fart in a home.” “Really? Well don’t get too fond of him; we are putting the crazy old fart in a home.”

About 25 years ago I decided to try to ride a neighbourhood kid’s bike. It is one of the skills you never forget – or so they say.

Had I gone ahead with one brilliant idea I could be in serious trouble with the Children’s Aid Society.

The two bozos go back to New York where they sit in a bar every night. Tommy drinks and feels sorry for himself and Jeff, well, Jeff just drinks.

Puss in Boots drowned when the Giant from the beanstalk caper misread his first name.

I could never work in men’s fashion, not because I have no taste in clothes, and I haven’t, but because I would never be able to measure a man’s inseam without blushing.

I also learned today that 5% of Americans never make their beds.