Fairy Tales Deconstructed, Or Destructed – Take Your Pick

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

I wonder if parents still read bedtime stories to little kids. You know the stories I mean, those delightful little tales and nursery rhymes for children we use to read when we were six or seven or were read to us when we were little tots.

I am thinking about the age-old tales collected and published by the Brothers Grimm and so many others. They were enchanting stories like Rapunzel, Three Billy Goats Gruff and the classic Snow White and the Seven Smaller than Average Persons. Sorry about that, but if we are to be politically correct we can’t say the D-word anymore. In fact I am not even sure if we should use the girl’s last name. I suppose we could say ‘Snow Caucasian’ but then we are leaving out half of the world’s population and we don’t want a riot. There are enough of them already.

When we delve into that tale, we quickly realize she was nothing but a live-in Molly Maid, and not a bright one at that. What kind of yo-yo eats an apple handed to her by some weird old chick with a wart on her nose and straggly hair? Not exactly a Rhodes Scholar our gal Snowy.

Now that I think about it, why did Dopey have to wear a nightgown that reached right down to the floor, and why was Grumpy grumpy? Probably because he knew. And what kind of doctor was Doc? And why wasn’t he allowed to practice in any of the red states?

I am sure we all remember there was so much violence in so many of these stories. Rapunzel was locked in a tower by Frau Goethel who climbed up her hair and she had a pile of it. The cost of her tanker of shampoo alone must have been through the roof, not to mention the conditioner and the gallons of Head and Shoulders.

Fortunately, or maybe not, Prince Charming clip-clopped by and rescued her. Sadly, the Prince was one of the royals with long shoulder-length blonde hair who wore skin-tight leotards, sequinned boots, and a feathered hat, not exactly Hell’s Angels attire.

I heard from reliable sources Rapunzel spent her declining years sitting alone in his castle sighing and reading Harlequin Romances.

The villainous, B. G. Gruff couldn’t even operate in this day and age. They would be taking their lives in their hands. I mean hiding under an overpass on Highway 400 and jumping into the path of gravel truck poking along at 120 KPH, come on.

Hansel and Gretel is a horrible story, not only was the witch who lived next door a cannibal, her gingerbread house should at least have the number of calories per slice listed somewhere on the property. It doesn’t matter now I guess since they shoved the old hag into her own oven, but where is the house now? Of course, we all know it is hidden away somewhere with Champlain’s statue.

One story that always fascinated me was The Emperor’s New Clothes. If you recall, the old geezer was a bit of a fairy tale clothes horse. He just had to be the best-dressed guy in the kingdom. Two con men sold him an invisible suit convincing him that everyone could see his classy duds (he was born in Barrie hence not too bright). He proudly marched down the main street of Fairyland one day undressed in his new finery; a lady on the side of the road said, “Now I can see why his wife left him.”

It all worked out for the Empress in the end as we all know; she is now a bat girl for the Toronto Blue Jays, and a stick girl for the Leafs all winter. Tired but happy I imagine.

You will be saddened to learn that fairy tales don’t always end well. The Little Match Girl froze to death Christmas Eve when she fell off the dock at the foot of Mississaga Street and broke both her legs. I told you about that last year. The Little Mermaid was caught in a gill net off the coast of Newfoundland and was served on a bed of rice at the Corner Brook Red Lobster. The ugly duckling did turn into a beautiful white swan but the crocodile whose pond she shared suddenly fancied a fowl supper. Goldilocks is doing hard time for break and enter. The old lady who lived in a shoe came down with a terminal case of athlete’s foot. The Frog Prince moved to Quebec and his legs were featured on the menu of the Chateau Frontenac. Puss in Boots drowned when the Giant from the beanstalk caper misread his first name.

Cinderella discovered that Prince Charming was married to not only her but also Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow Caucasian. As if that isn’t bad enough he is suspected of having been in a three-way with Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels.

(Image Supplied)

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