Bare Essentials Of Dating

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

Thought for the day: ‘Them’s mighty big oranges and it wouldn’t take too many to make a dozen.

I don’t know if you remember this but back in 2016, just four years ago there was a TV show called Naked Dating, we stumbled across the show while channel-surfing. I admit I gave it the once-over just in case the guy with the electronic airbrush missed something.  Alas he did not. The couples were naked on Bora Bora and not in downtown Barrie where such carrying-on is commonplace.

Without asking Rome, Westminster or Baton Rouge if dating bare-naked is acceptable for the faithful, they put it on national TV. Let’s just say this is not your average ‘Can I carry your books home from school’ first time date we are talking about, although a teenage lad might hope it ends that way. Three bare young ladies and three bare upstanding, although we don’t know that for sure but we suspected, young gentlemen dated each other once and the big question is ‘Which one will you ask out on a second date?’ The night we watched, two out of the three couples agreed to hook up later. The other couple, I assume, signed up for Jenny Craig or rushed to the nearest convenience store for breath mints.

We don’t know where the others planned to go for the second date, but we can assume it wasn’t to Tim Hortons to get to know each other better so to speak. I wonder how many dates they will have before they know what colour their date’s eyes are or if they have eyes at all.

Another thing, at what point in the relationship is one allowed to put on clothes? Can’t you just see Waldo showing up at Tiffany’s house and she is standing in the doorway in her underpants?

“Get your clothes off, you little tramp! Have you no decency?”

This nude dating ploy may have worked back in 2016 when the couples were young and reasonably presentable but remember they were young. Now how can I put this gently? Full-frontal dating will not work for us seniors. When one is in their twenties, a few, damned few, couples may be able to pass muster on the ‘oh so important’ first naked date. Remember, now there are far more things to check for other than spinach on your teeth. It’s hard to hide a rose tattoo on your bum.

We, the older and hopefully more mature, daters have many more miles on us. Showing up at a gentleman’s or milady’s front door naked as a jay bird could send a prospective lover into cardiac arrest. However nakedness will certainly give seniors plenty to talk about.

“Is that a tattoo?”

“Nope, heart surgery, a by-pass in 1986. The one underneath is from an emergency trip to Toronto General where they replaced my aorta. They almost lost me on that one. What about you? What’s that, appendectomy?”

“No, gall bladder, this one here is a hip replacement. You can hardly see it when I am not undressed for a date.”

“I can’t help noticing your left one is…”

“Wringer, got too close to the Bendix washer in 1946. Try buying a bra for that one.”

I guess it’s just me, but I don’t think you should see a new senior friend sans culottes until you’ve known each other a while, at least a week, or an hour if booze is involved. Relationships need a bit of mystery to give the new couple something to talk about other than scars, meds and therapists and find areas of interest that can be mined when the passion cools. I hate to bring this up, but the odd time, rarely I admit, oh let’s be honest too often, one has put on a few pounds over the years (ten per decade is a nice round number) and sliding into a restaurant booth bare naked can be a bit of a challenge. A liberal coating of baby powder works for me.

A divorce in one’s past with all the gory details discussed at great length can be good for stimulating a winter evening’s conversation. It does help to clarify why his ex is driving a Porsche Boxter and he picked her up in a 1973 Datsun with the passenger door wired shut. His several years in jail also helps to explain why he had never heard of Brian Mulroney or Mike Harris, although that is a plus I suppose.

Unless you have been working out, and I mean a lot, I would not recommend naked dating. But if you must, I’d suggest black horn-rimmed glasses with a big nose and a moustache in case it doesn’t work out. Oh… and don’t forget your health card in case it does.

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