Humble As Ever, J. Paul Returns
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
Many moons ago in Oh Really, Orillia I played a crooked evangelist, J. Paul Humble. This was back in the days of Jimmy Swaggart, Jimmy and Tammy-Faye Bakker and a host of others scoundrels too many, and too crooked, to mention.
J. Paul was a con man constantly begging or scamming his flock out of their hard-earned money.
Or as the fleeced members of my congregation used to say when he came up with yet another ridiculous offer “But J. Paul did I not buy your Locks of Samson Shampoo and Conditioner the last time you were in town – and am I not bald?”
“Did I not buy your Garden of Eden Wildflower Seed Pack and now my lawn has been declared a disaster area by the Ministry of the Environment and I can’t see my neighbour’s house for goldenrod?”
“Did I not buy your Go Forth and Multiply Viagra Substitute. It worked but my multiplier exploded and now I’m in Soldiers’ Memorial waiting for a transplant”
I’m sure you may think all that is true, my friends, but we cannot worry about such picayune matters now. This nation is in trouble, its people have lost their way. This country needs a leader, a modern-day Moses, a man like me, J. Paul Humble. But to do it J. Paul needs your dollars. You must help if I am to get rich and . . . I mean we must all help if you and I are to rebuild this once-great nation.
But how can I help J. Paul? How can I, an old-age pensioner with nothing but a few hundred grand sitting in the bank?
You can help by INVESTING, investing in a sure thing.
Yes, today I am offering you a piece of the action, the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of the J. Paul Humble Medonte Mountain Time-Share Resort.
Yes, for a mere pittance, a trifling 16,000 dollars you can buy one of my luxurious log cabins high in the mists of the Medonte Highlands.
Designed by the world famous architect Frank Lloyd Wrong, our cabins are the epitome of the classic pioneer homestead. You will wonder at Frank Lloyd’s architectural genius. No other time-share resort can offer his unique blend of luxury, yet simplistic woodland design. No more will you ladies have to wait while your husband ties up the bathroom. A grand communal outhouse awaits you. Here you can park your bum on genuine maple seats with as many as ten or twelve of your friends and neighbours.
Yes, you can enjoy the gentle breezes as they drift through the rough-hewn windows of the “Road to Glory” latrine, unfettered by glass or curtains. And you, my brethren, no more will you grumble while your wife takes all the hot water for her steamy bath. At the Medonte Mountain Time-Share Resort, you need not worry if she’s left you any hot water. There isn’t any. Instead our residents will enjoy a daily bus ride to the quaint hamlet of Coldwater to wade in the healing waters of the Coldwater River. There may be a short wait in the winter months while our superintendent cuts a hole in the ice.
Enjoy the woodland sounds as the playful skunks and black bears frolic around your cabin. See your little forest friends first-hand as they forage through your luggage. Watch the coming of dawn from your down-filled sleeping bags (available for a nominal fee), as the first morning rays of a golden sun stream through the knotholes in the walls of your rustic cabin.
In our luxury units, a limited number of beds will be made available for those residents not all that fond of reptiles.
Dine with friends and family in the splendour of the Nebuchadnezzar Room, where our motto is “No one has died here yet – that we know of.”
But you better act now, my children. This offer will not last forever. Be the first on your block to get taken – I mean be the first to take advantage of this limited time offer.
That’s right, join now! The J. Paul Humble Medonte Mountain Time Share Resort – just S16,000, plus GST, PST, OPP, BVD, SOB, Amusement Tax, Tire Tax, Thumb Tax, and Syntax.
We accept all major credit cards and those little plastic banky things you use every day at the liquor store. And for your added convenience, you can send a money order or certified cheque direct to me,
J. Paul Humble – Medonte Mountain Time Share Resort, Third mansion from the right, Grand Cayman Island.
Bless you, my children. Bless you.
(Image Supplied)
