The Therapist Is In
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
I hate to bring the subject up but winter is a-coming and as the old carol says, ‘the goose is getting fat, or the oies are if you are a French Canadian from Penetanguishene’ Now what should we talk about this…
“There’s a call for you on your cell phone.”
“I’m busy, Mary.”
“You better take it, it’s Nick.”
“Really! ‘Nick, baby! How are things at the Pole? Look, Nick, I’m kind of tied up at the moment; can I get back to… You’re crying what’s wrong?'”
‘Sandy! What about Sandy? She’s not sick is she?’
‘Divorce! Why does she want a divorce?’
‘She doesn’t you do? Why in hell do you want a… adultery? Sandy… your Sandy? Did she give any reason why she was sleeping around?’
‘She said she has her needs…’
‘Yes Nick, I know, I know, you have your needs too, but she’s only 32 and you are… What? 400 and something?
‘OK 396, but that’s a hell of an age gap and let’s face it, Nick, you only come once a year.’
“Jim, I got another call on the land line.”
“I can’t Mary, I got Santa crying on the damned phone.”
“Better take it, it’s Sandy.”
‘Oh God, look Nick I got to put you on hold for a minute. No. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right back. A good lawyer? I didn’t know there was such a thing. Leave it with me. Now stay on the line.’
“Sandy, dear, so nice of you to call, so aah, so what’s new? He caught you doing what? Really! Who with? It wasn’t Jack Frost again was it? I have to tell you I’ve heard stories about you two last year that kept me awake nights just thinking about it… An elf? Sandy, elves are only two feet high. No, no I’m not doubting your word. Who lifted him onto the bed? No I’m not trying to be funny, this is serious stuff. I imagine Nick is a little upset…”
“He what? He can’t cancel Christmas… that’s his job. What if I talked to him?”
“Look, he’s not talking to some jerk on the other line right now; he’s talking to me… What do you mean it’s the same thing?”
“That’s okay I know you didn’t mean it, you’re upset… Sandy, I can hardly hear you. What’s that hammering noise?”
“The bed… the elf is still there? Well tell him to take a break we’ve got a serious problem on our hands. Sandy, I’ll have to put you on hold; I’ve got Nick on the other line… By the way, which elf was it? Ernie? No kidding! I thought he was gay… He was but you changed him. Why does that not surprise me? Hang on, I better talk to Nick.”
‘Nick, I’m back. I’ve got Sandy on the other line… No, not Sandy, the nymphomaniac, Sandy, your wife. I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding. Hang on another minute while I talk to her.’
“Sandy, I’m back. Look I told Nick it was all a misunderstanding. Why would you even consider doing something like that?”
“Oh well then that explains it. Stay there and I’ll talk to Nick.”
“Nick, I was right. It was a misunderstanding. She thought you were out of town… Really! I thought that would make you feel better. Was that a scream I heard? Just a second’
“Sandy what happened? Oh Ernie fell off the bed. I guess it would be quite a fall for him and the scream… Oh he landed on it. Well you need a rest anyway. Sandy, why don’t you and Nick talk this over? Do you have a third party there who could moderate?”
“No, I don’t think Ernie should be your first choice. Just try to remain calm and I’ll fly up. Call me if you need me.”
‘Nick, are you still there? Look I told Sandy I’ll come up. Just don’t do anything rash… Yes I think murdering Ernie would be rash. I’ll talk to you when I get there.’
I’m sorry about that, folks. Into every life a little elf must fall. It is kind of funny when you think about it. Well, funny as long as it doesn’t happen to us. I mean I’ve heard of some local gals hustling the teenage boy next door but a flipping elf? I wonder who did lift him onto the bed.
To be honest I’ve never seen an elf up close. But I’ve heard they’re not that big. That’s why Sandy picked Ernie for an affair; she can hide him in her purse.
(Image Supplied)
