Dissecting British TV
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
Something struck me as odd a while back when I chanced upon a commercial for Acorn chairlifts. I say ‘chanced upon’ since we rarely get to see Acorn’s television ads – if they hadn’t been running on Vision Channel twelve or thirteen times a day for the past forty years we wouldn’t have seen them at all. Rumour has it Acorn chairlifts were carrying old geezers up the stairs before stairs were even invented. The only way to get to the second floor was to be born there.
In the commercial, an older gentleman is overjoyed with his brand new Acorn Chairlift and says proudly “I am king of my castle again!” What they don’t show you is his long-suffering missus in the background mumbling, ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah, your flipping majesty, now get off your fat ass and take the garbage out.’
A few years back Mary and I got hooked on two British detective shows New Tricks and Midsomer Murders that used to run on Vision from 3 to 6, Monday to Friday. I believe I may have mentioned many times before if you ever visit England and see the Welcome to Midsomer sign, throw the car in reverse and hightail it out of there as fast as your rented Vauxhall can go. From what we have gathered over the past year or two of faithful viewing, four or five people are gruesomely murdered in that county every day. Fortunately the Chief Inspector and his Sergeant catch all the bad guys (and bad ladies too, Midsomer is an equal opportunity crime community) but that won’t help you much if you are the victim du jour.
What I find really interesting about British TV is the cast members we see in the shows are as familiar to us as the folks who live next door. They most certainly have a team of trained actors over there directors can go to whenever they need someone for a particular part, usually it’s someone available to kill someone or be a corpse. A corpse is the best role because you get bumped off early in the program and can get to the pub before you have to buy a round and still get paid.
After a while you begin to recognize the players from other Midsomer mysteries.
‘I know him, he’s the guy his wife killed with an axe for fooling around with the maid, and that blonde sitting at the bar, wasn’t she was the good-looking hooker on New Tricks? No, now I remember she played the nun who drowned the priest in his own holy water on Inspector Morse.’
Or we may even remember an actor or actress from a major motion picture.
Everyone in Canada has watched Notting Hill at least three or four times. If you haven’t I suggest you seek psychiatric counselling.
Do you remember Tim McInnerny and Gina McKee from that movie? Of course you don’t because you never read the credits; that’s when you take your pee break, but Gina was Hugh Grant’s sister in the movie.
That’s right, she’s the girl in the wheelchair. Well, Tim was her husband, two of the nicest people in the whole world. You wouldn’t think twice about inviting them over for dinner or just some evening for a drink. DON’T DO IT! Gina murdered three people in Midsomer and never batted an eye. Tim was the pompous ass high up in the British Secret Service who looked down his nose at the hard-working UCOS detectives from New Tricks.
Ah yes, now you remember him, he was the bald snotty guy wearing a vest for Pete’s sake. Who wears a vest in 2026? I wouldn’t even if I could find one big enough go all the way around my stomach. (I should clarify something here, bald-headed men are just like men with moustaches, they are sneaky and can’t be trusted. Women with moustaches are usually nicer unless you mention the moustache then they might get a bit owly, but they will still cheat you out of your life savings. I’m sorry to had to tell you this but I don’t make the rules.)
Simon Callow is another good/bad British guy. You cried when he died in Four Weddings and a Funeral, but if you had seen the dastardly deeds he did in Midsomer last Tuesday you would have had killed him yourself.
Actually it’s kind of fun, seeing some actor you know you’ve seen in another movie or TV show and then try to figure out which one it was.
One of the problems is the detective shows we watch today have been on forever. The Murder She Wrote and Columbo actors have long since passed away. Believe it or not, Columbo started solving murders back in 1971, and dear old Jessica was snooping around Cabot Cover in 1984. She finally packed in the series after the 1996 season but it’s still on. Almost all the guest stars we see every night at 7 or Thursday night at 8 are dead in real life or in a home for retired murderers.
The Brit serials, I’m sorry to say, are much the same. They have been on a long, long, time. You must have suspected they weren’t new when you realized Errol Flynn was the guy playing a detective sergeant. The silly ass was still wearing his Robin Hood tights from 1938.
(Image Supplied)
