I Remember Perfectly What I Said, And I Have Notes

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

I was looking back at some speeches I gave way back when the world was young and stumbled across one when I spoke to the Shriners on February 27, 1997. After the shock of realizing 1997 was 27 years ago I tried to remember what was going on back then. This was shortly after the late Brian Mulroney’s Conservatives were all but wiped off the map in Ottawa. Even our own Doug Lewis was dethroned. I know it’s hard to believe but Simcoe North went Liberal for the first time since Moses parted the waters of the Red Sea. Do you remember that election? Paul Devillers ousted Doug, a cabinet minister no less.

I became a great supporter of Paul, not so much for his political affiliation but more because he bought me a beer one afternoon at the Leacock Home. I remained faithful until Bruce Stanton bought me two beers. I am faithless, for a double of Glendronach Single Malt I would vote for Vladimir Putin.

Now you might find some of this interesting, or maybe not. As I said at the beginning, this speech was way back in ‘97; some of the things I said I can’t remember why I would have said them. I had to sit back and try to remember what was going on in Canada, Orillia, or society in general at the time.

I said in the speech, “be proud that you live in Ontario where it is legal for a woman to walk down the street with no top on, but if she sunburns them she will have to drive to Tennessee to find a doctor to put on the Nivea cream.”

The topless thing was easy, that was around the time that Gwen Jacob, a young lady from Guelph won the right for women to go topless in Ontario. Sadly, it never caught on. The line about going to Tennessee to see a doctor was a mystery until I remembered our doctors were moving to the states for higher salaries back then.

I also said, “Only in Canada could a government being sued by an ex-PM for $30 million, buy their way out for a million bucks and then claim the other 29 million as a victory in their ongoing battle to reduce the deficit.”

I didn’t have a clue why I said that and had to look it up. It was Brian who sued the Liberal Government citing defamation over the Airbus Affair and possible kickbacks. I am not stupid enough to get into that one.

Well I can’t really, Mila Mulroney and I are close friends. Not close-close exactly, but she shook my hand for a split-second when she and Brian were up at the Orillia Square Mall. Some nights when all is quiet and the world is asleep, I think of her and I think I can hear her thinking of me too.

I was watching a panel of political experts one night and they introduced Iona Campanola. Now this is terrible, I remembered her not because she was once the president of the National Liberal Party. I remembered her because John Turner grabbed her bum. Now isn’t that typical of society today that that incident was the only thing I remembered? My wife says, “No it isn’t, it’s just typical of you.”

It was also around the time that men started to get their ears pierced and use makeup. I couldn’t let that go at the time.

“The world is changing my friends and we have to get on the bandwagon. The whole male-female thing is different. It no longer matters in a relationship who makes more money, which one has the better job, it’s who has the most earrings. At one time women use to complain because her husband left the toilet seat up, now they are outraged because he left the cap off the mascara bottle.”

More from the speech – I don’t understand women anymore. Why is it that a woman wearing a thong Bikini and no bra under her tee shirt complains because the top of the plumber’s bum shows when he is bent over under the sink?

Be thankful your son graduated from a bilingual high school. Now he’s illiterate in both official languages.

Don’t feel bad because you can’t talk to your daughter, she could be on Geraldo talking about you.

Don’t be upset because your son came out of the closet, think of Charlie McCarthy he came out of a trunk.

Don’t be upset if your wife got religious and cut you down to once a week, think of the three guys she cut off altogether.

(Image Supplied)

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