The Coronation And Heather Malice

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

I know I am going back a bit, but by any chance did you read Heather Mallick’s column in the Toronto Star back on May 8 about King Charles’s coronation?

Heather, it seems, is a long way from being an ardent supporter of the Royal Family. In fact, if there are ever any rumours about another Gunpowder Plot being hatched I would be checking Ms. Mallick’s basement for barrels of saltpeter, sulfur and charcoal. Whatever you do, don’t light up a cigarette while you are searching or you will be halfway to England before you take your first drag – or pieces of you will be anyway. Heather, on a full boil, could make Guy Fawkes look like an amateur.

If some English hitman shows up at her door one of these days and says, “I’m Bond, James Bond.” She would be well-advised to say “I’m Rosie, Rosie Dimanno. Here, I’ll write down her address.” If Charles and Camilla ever read her column, she will be glad the royal ‘Off with her head’ powers were taken away some time ago.

What I don’t understand is why Heather teed off so viciously on the Royal Family and the coronation. She wrote, “It’s more like Awards Night at the Etobicoke Ratepayers Association.”

Now, I am a long way from being a Royal Watcher and really haven’t been since our invitation to the last royal wedding got lost in the mail – or so they said. It has nothing to do with any thoughts I have about the monarchy and the political debates about whether we keep them or not. I’ll leave that to the folks who care as long as we don’t end up with that Republican-Democrat crap from across the border.

I have paid next to no attention to what has been going on in royal circles since I first read about the Sir Walter Raleigh-Queen Elizabeth scandal of the 1500s. If you haven’t heard about that little escapade, (it wasn’t even mentioned in my Grade 9 history book Britain’s Story**) let’s just say once the affair was over I suspect the Virgin Queen wasn’t.

I read somewhere that there is some sort of foofaraw going on about Prince Harry and his missus and that he wrote a tell-all book. For his sake I hope it sold better than mine or he will be putting the Duchess of Sussex out to work. That book may have something to do with why Harry and Meghan moved to the States. And we all know that’s not brightest thing to do. Anyone stupid enough to move to that gun-happy madhouse is asking for trouble.

Really though, I thought Heather went a tad too far. Common decency stops us from taking a shot at someone’s personal appearance – like Camilla’s teeth or as Heather so delicately put it, “a hedgerow snaggle at 22 and now a badge of criminal British dentistry flashing a hungry expression.” doesn’t sound all that complimentary to me, but what do I know about dentistry, or for that matter anything else. And about the King, “a big jewelled helmet sat over the tops of his ears to make him look less goofy.” Heather, dear lady, you may have started another Hundred Years War.

She also took a run at Catherine who I always thought was a pretty good-looking chick. “Alarmingly thin, a stick person buttoned up to the neck looking ready to scream,” and “Horrible William, always growling, the great big lump who beat up his own brother.” What is that all about? Did he really do that? My sister once threw a hair brush at me, but I don’t remember it becoming an international incident; probably because she missed me. I don’t know what I did to set her off but I sure as hell won’t do it again.

I guess I will have to start following all this royal stuff, the in-fighting, the racial slurs about Meghan (as if anyone with half a brain really cares), and the Oprah interview. One thing I have learned, if it is about royalty the American public will eat it up. 

** If you remember the Walter Raleigh / Queen Elizabeth puddle incident from high school, it was reported that Sir Walt spread his cloak over a puddle to save the Queen’s shoes, but historians later discovered that Walter climbed into her coach to towel her size 12 feet dry and one thing led to another.

(Photo by Swartz – SUNonline/Orillia)

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