It Is Better To Look Good Than It Is to Play Good On The Golf Course

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

There was an excellent article in the Saturday Star on April 23 about golf fashion. A gentleman named Carter has taken up the sport and like myself feels it is important to not only master the game but keep up with the current trends in golf fashion. It goes without saying one must take great pains to select an outfit that is acceptable to the general membership of the course you are playing.

For instance cut-off jeans and rubber boots would be frowned upon at the Masters in Augusta, Georgia. In actual fact, you will be turned away at the gate if by some stroke of luck you got that far. In several courses in Florida, you will appear to be welcomed but your first tee will be next to the alligator feeding pens. (I know golf balls are expensive but should your ball land on, or within a few feet of a snoozing gator, you would be wise to take a one-stroke penalty and move on)

As I was saying, it is important you fit in with the membership. No one wants to look like an outsider especially if several members appear to be buying rounds in the clubhouse. It is important to politely ask if you can join them and even more important to suddenly remember a dental appointment or see an open spot at the next table when it gets close to your turn. I have friends who are so good at this practice that the entire clubhouse empties the moment their cars pull into the parking lot.

You must look good, that goes without saying. Since you very likely purchased your golfing equipment from Value Village your mismatched clubs may not appear to be on a par with those of the professionals on The Golf Channel but their shabby condition can easily be covered up with stylish knee socks. Pulling colourful Argyles over the clubs will not only hide the pitiful condition of your battered woods and rusty irons but will also pee off your partners who are waiting somewhat impatiently as you fart around covering up the blemishes knowing the bar is now open. Although it will immediately shut down once the bartender sees you coming.

I believe I was talking about fairway fashion: having seen the way you dress in public, I can readily see you are not going to follow the suggestions of the style columnists in the Toronto Star, but just in case your wife, husband or friend with benefits is looking for birthday gift suggestions to stop you from whining, I shall tell you of a few.

Footwear: Nike offers an excellent shoe for $190 that not only is superb on the course but also look great on the patio. And they are waterproof. Having seen you in action waterproofing is very important. In your case, hip waders may be even more practicable. My first pair of golf shoes were of a fashionable leather-like brown-coloured material with inch-long spikes sticking out the bottom suitable for mountain-climbing, Karate, and not much else.

Pantaloons: J. Linberg offers moisture wicking, four-way stretch pants for $175. Since I don’t know what wicking means I will have to get back to you on whether the pantaloons are a good buy or not.

Golf shirts: It is important to wear fashionable golf shirts like a crispy-white pique polo by Malbon for $130. That suggests to me that your Mickey Mouse Tee shirt would not be acceptable at most high-end golf clubs, piqued or not.

Golf hats: Can you even golf without a vintage-inspired Eastside Gold rope hat (their words not mine) at $73? I have several hats, not roped that I know of, that I acquired over the years and cost me next to nothing. My secret is to wander through the locker room while the people who actually get sweaty are in the shower. (Wait a few months or years before wearing)

Belts: It is not considered high fashion to wear fireman’s braces over a Malbon crispy-white pique polo shirt, one must purchase a belt, not just any belt however but an elasticated woven Parrabelt for $153. You will need an elasticated belt after all that beer you purloined from the more generous members of your club. I say your but I suspect you will be blackballed and your membership card ceremoniously shredded sometime within the first week.

Jacket: Stay dry in this waterproof jacket by Peter Millar for a paltry $360. If I pay 360 bucks for a golf jacket I will keep it at home in a locked cedar chest until my funeral.

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