A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
A couple of weeks ago I read an article in the Toronto Star about men wearing make-up and how the idea was being received in the marketplace. I wasn’t all that interested at the time, being a bit of a beauty myself, and kind of skimmed through it. But later I began to think about it and started to wonder where this male beauty-enhancement business is going. Is it just a fad like the Afro and hopefully Blue Jay hats at the dinner table? Or is it to be the new norm for the future of the males of our species? According to the article, a lot of younger men are interested in joining the ladies in front of the bathroom mirror, us old geezers, not so much. I know in my case it would be a waste of time since I look almost exactly like I did the day I walked through the doors of Orillia Collegiate Institute when I was thirteen years old. Granted I may have added a stone or two. A stone, in this case, is a British weight measurement (one stone equals 6.35029318 kilograms) and has nothing to do with my male sexual apparatus.
But in fairness to the less fortunate males out there, and I’m sorry to say most of my male friends are in that group, it behooves me to look into the subject, if not for the benefit of you chaps personally, then for your wives or the girl of your dreams who unfortunately may not be the same person.
Let us assume you are not as desirable as you once were, or thought you were but weren’t. Let us also assume as a result you are considering extensive plastic surgery. The cost of such a venture may be prohibitive. Rebuilding that giant honker of a nose will not come cheap believe me (I priced it for a friend and a second mortgage was involved). It may be possible for you to cover up the odd facial flaw with a dusting of cosmetic powder, either by dabbing same on with a make-up brush or a puff. However if the years have not been kind to you, a trowel and a layer of putty may be required.
At one time pancake makeup was quite the rage but the steady rise in the cost of maple syrup finally put it out of business. Yes, there is always Aveeno moisturizing lotion but you will notice the ads never show Jennifer Aniston as she rolls out of bed in the morning.
Those eyebrows that were once the envy of everyone you met have either fallen out, or mysteriously turned tattletale gray, white, or disappeared altogether. You may now be forced to draw them on with an eyebrow pencil and your hand is shaky as it is. Even shaving requires an ambulance idling in the driveway. There is the possibility of having a transplant from another area of your body, but then there will be the curly problem.
It may seem cruel to discuss your receding hairline but everyone else is so we might as well get into it. Granted you can always let your eyebrows grow and comb them back over. On the bright side, that will also hide the age lines across your forehead. That is a plus I suppose but you may now be accused of trying to be a Grouch Marx look-a-like. That won’t happen very often since those of us who remember him are so far into our dotage we have our names stitched into the top of our under-britches. Apparently my name is Harvey Woods.
I don’t feel it necessary to delve into the more common hair loss masking products other than to say wigs, toupees and rugs can be costly and are not recommended when the ‘north wind doth blow’ as they say.
Lately the total bald look has been sweeping the country, although God alone knows why, and it could be a possible option. I have a friend who went for the Yul Brynner look and the only thing I can say for it is that it is neat. On the downside his SPF 50+ sunscreen lotion comes in twice a week in a tanker truck.
But back to the make-up for men business: if you are really keen on putting yourself through all this misery and are prepared to fight with your loved one over the bathroom mirror every morning, I will not discourage you. However I strongly suggest you don’t go overboard with the lip gloss, you know what? Wait a minute! You don’t know what the boys at the golf club are saying about you, do you?