An Act Of Some Kind(ness)

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

It is a well-known fact when we do something for someone else, we too are rewarded either inwardly, or by some act of kindness in return by that person or another. What that act would be is, of course, up to you.

For instance, if you have a friend or an acquaintance with an annoying habit of passing along totally useless information in an online newspaper column, it would be helpful and kind to tell that poor misguided soul most people think he or she is an idiot. But please be advised it is also a well-known fact such people are usually quite vindictive with a remarkably small amount of grey matter upstairs and it may be wise to skip the whole idea.

“What can I do?” you may ask but probably won’t, “for someone who is lacking romance in his or her life?” You don’t want a friend to face his or her declining years bereft of the companionship of a member of their own or similar species.

How about enrolling them in a singles network like Little Jimmy’s Dating Service* (see footnote).

Currently Little Jimmy’s is running a special for people who are married but also looking. We have a well-trained staff on site that will discreetly supply your needs. Should you not have a personal attorney, we have several that are due for release in the near future.

In order that we here at Little Jimmy’s can be of greater assistance to the romantically challenged, it would certainly help if we had as much information about the likes and dislikes of your ‘friend’ as possible. Oh, what the hell, we know it is you we are discussing, so let’s get at it.

By simply filling this short questionnaire and sending it along, plus a cheque for $2500 to cover incidental expenses for the management team like stamps, paper clips and VD shots, we can have your name ‘out there’ in a matter of hours. Thanks to our unique advertising program it is amazing how many of our clients are together today because one or the other jotted down the ‘for a good time, call’ number from a washroom wall or scribbled on the inside cover of a motel Gideon Bible. I’m not sure if the Gideon Society realizes their main contribution to the hotel industry is not the saving of souls but the rescuing of wandering wayfarers from a lonely Saturday night.

It is important we match persons with similar tastes and lifestyles, so please answer the following questions honestly. First for the gentlemen:

  1. Do you, sir, find the ‘No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service’ signs in certain restaurants discriminatory? What about your last girlfriend’s wet T-shirt?
  2. Do you and your friends consider soup and mashed potatoes finger foods?
  3. Do you find breaking wind in a public place an excellent way to get to know strangers?
  4. When dining at one of the finer restaurants, do you consider the wearing of a ball hat backwards acceptable even though 99 percent of the patrons over 50 think you look like some kind of a bozo and should be put down?

And now for the ladies:

  1. How do you feel about putting on lipstick while dining out at say, the Imperial Room of the Royal York Hotel? Combing your hair? How about shaving your legs?
  2. It is acceptable of course to talk on one’s cell phone in a crowded restaurant about the tragic break-up of Marie and her ex over his sagging libido, but what about calling him to see what he’s doing Saturday night? All women know that every man still has it if the right woman comes along, although you might ask the opinion of the guy sitting across from you twiddling his thumbs and wondering whether the woman he’s been saddled with is really worth a $200 dinner.
  3. Should you call Marie and ask for his number?
  4. Where did the guy sitting across from you go?

Please send the questionnaires to this newspaper. You will be contacted later about the 2500 bucks. I trust editors with words but not with money.

(*Little Jimmy’s Dating Service is now defunct after one of its matched couples failed to connect so to speak and destroyed the Honeymoon Suite at the Bide-Wee Motel in Smooth Rock Falls.)

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