Oh Super, He’s Thinking Again

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

Have you ever wondered what happened to the Superman we read and loved when we were kids? I mean the comic book Superman not the new guys. I can remember so many thrilling episodes when he would leap tall buildings in a single bound and see through everything but lead. Then the early movies came along with George Reeves. George looked a bit like the guy who kicked sand in Charles Atlas’ face and stole his girlfriend. He had muscles, not bulging biceps like myself, but George was okay. Then along came Christopher Reeve and everything became high tech, or at least as high tech as they could get in 1978. He made time go backwards which was no mean feat back then. Now we can do it with Aveeno daily moisturizing lotion (Jennifer Aniston is actually 74 years old but you didn’t hear that from me.)

We started to realize Clark Kent was getting the ‘hots’ for Lois Lane although she thought he was a bit of a dink and set her cap, as they used to say, for the Man of Steel. And what woman wouldn’t fall for a man who would pull his pants down in a public telephone booth? Alas those days are no more, what with everyone carrying cell phones. Clark could strip naked on Mississaga Street now and no one would notice; they are too busy reading text messages and walking into lamp posts or parked cars.

You may not remember, but Super and Lois got married in 1995. I know because I found my wedding invitation in a cardboard box under the cellar stairs. Perhaps you remember that brilliant column – well maybe not.

Mr. and Mrs. Waldo (Shady) Lane of Prices Corners, are ecstatic to finally announce the engagement of their only daughter, Lois, to Clark Kent, son of the very late Mr. and Mrs. Jor-El of Krypton, and foster-son of the also late Mr. and Mrs. Selmo Kent of Sebright.

The wedding will take place at the Church of the Inter-planetary Pilgrim and Bingo Hall on Wednesday, October 9th at 3.00 pm.

BYOB, no tank tops please.

To be honest, I haven’t been keeping up with their romance, I sort of lost interest in super-heroes when Peewee Herman got arrested in a surprise raid on a porno movie house.

I must admit though, I have some questions about the man from Krypton. I mean what do you folks really think about a guy who wears blue tights and red boots? Don’t you think he’d be a whole lot happier with Captain Marvel? 

I’m sure there are some advantages of being married to a man of steel, one in particular I would think, but I’m sure this relationship is going to run into a few interesting problems some marriage counsellor will have to sort out.

We all saw the movie when he told the whole world that Lois wore pink under-britches, but wouldn’t you think x-ray vision could cause a little strain on the marriage? Everybody needs a little privacy. Lois won’t even be able to slip down to Metro on a hot summer day without Clark saying, “My angel, I think you forgot your underpants.”


 “There that’s better. I hope you like the pair with Saturday on the bum.”

This super-speed will also be a bit of a strain on their wedding night. By the time Lois gets her shoes off, he’ll be in the shower.

Take this super-hearing thing, it is a well-known fact 99% of all married men have, on occasion like every 20 minutes, heard the missus mumbling away in the corner about some faux pas he has supposedly committed, like leaving the toilet seat up or spending too much time staring at the girl next door in her bikini. But poor Lois won’t even be able to think out loud, without, “I heard that.”

On the other hand, it would be comforting to know the guy you just married, doesn’t look a day older than the day he flew by your house in 1937. To be honest, I never really considered Lois and Super a good match. She is, after all, mortal. It’s OK for now, but Superman will probably live forever and I think one of these days her warranty is going to run out. I thought he would have been better off with Wonder Woman.

I wonder what kind of present one would buy for the man of steel and his bride. Let’s see, for him – a can of WD40 for those mornings when the old joints are seizing up, and for Lois – what do you think about a pair of lead underpants?

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