A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
Why am I suddenly learning about women at this stage in life? I am too old to do anything about it. I read the other day scientists have discovered that ladies on the prowl for love and romance are turned on by the smell of cucumber mixed with Good & Plenty candy. Great! I find out about this when I’m 82. I could have used this dating information when I was a teenager and courting. Although I would have likely screwed it up somehow, like dabbing on essence of zucchini or something dreadful like eau de chou boilé with a hint of garlic infused liquorice cigars.
The problem with scientific busybodies publishing all this information is that the up and coming lovers of today will read it and try to use it to their advantage and that’s not fair to the up and coming ladies. I can just hear the conversation between a young girl’s parents as they watch their daughter climb into her boyfriend’s car.
“What do you think of Finnegan, Mary Jane’s new boyfriend?”
“He seems like a nice young man, a bit odd though. Did you notice the back seat of his Beetle looks like a combination market garden and candy store?”
These same scientists also found that the blood flow to a man’s genitals increased 40 percent after a whiff of pumpkin pie and lavender. That may have been a misprint though. It could have been ‘gentiles’ and I know my Jewish friends think there is enough of us already.
Now this is really important for the ladies. A spicy floral scent can make a woman appear 12 pounds lighter to a man. Information like that can put Jenny Craig out of business. Of course the danger to that information is what happens when the scent wears off or is replaced by a stronger one. Milady could burst the seams of her dress just by walking by a fish market.
I better not get into orgasms, eargasms and kneegasms. They are all possible apparently. That’s putting too much stress on a young husband. He’ll have to take a GPS to bed just to find all the hot spots.
Obviously it’s our brains that interpret and control all this stuff, which makes it extremely difficult for those of us who don’t have one. But do we really want to know so much about each other’s kinky buttons? I always thought the trial and error method of the 50s and 60s was better. Granted most men struck out 90 percent of the time.
“How did your date with Harold go?”
“Fine until he started tugging my earlobes. He said some guy named Foster told him it was a guaranteed way to drive a woman mad. It was too. He pulled my stud earring out and I tried to beat him senseless. Come to think about it, if he listens to Foster he already is.”
As we grow old and helpless, the scientific and medical worlds are publishing all sorts of things we should have known as we were growing up. Had we had even a speck of the data out there today, society could have avoided the marital stresses that faced and still face all couples at one time or another in their relationships. The lucky ones survive by talking their way through their problems, or by not realising things could be better. In the last half century, half of our marriages ended up in the dumper. There were hundreds of other reasons of course, but the sex thing was likely part of the breakdown.
Scientist claim, although they may not actually have said it in so many words, that all this information they are gathering is the latest state of the art knowledge about the human body and its sexual idiosyncrasies. Granted it is new to us in today’s world, but it’s been out there for a long time. We know that such information was common knowledge in the mid-1900s. No doubt all of us read Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s poem How Do I Love Thee back in high school. There was a rarely published verse in the original that began, “I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach — especially after thee rubbed me from head to toe with Limburger cheese.”
It was removed from the Grade 11 Literature course. Not because of the sexual overtones though, the classroom smelled bad enough already after the boys skipped out of gym class without showering.