A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
On Highway 93, just south of Midland, there is a billboard advertising a restaurant on the dock at Penetanguishene that boldly states, World Famous Dock Lunch. That’s bit of a brazen claim I thought. But then I remembered on a Baltic Cruise we took a few years ago, a number of people in Estonia, Germany and surprisingly, St. Petersburg, Russia all asked if Orillia was near the Town of Penetanguishene and if it is fairly close had we ever dined at the docks and had their World Famous Dock Lunch
While having tea with Chancellor Angela Merkel she just happened to mention she had been there the week before with the now President of France, Emmanuel Macron. They found the food delicious and reasonably-priced although once you factor in the airfare it does get a little pricey.
Actually we have been there and it is fine place, however I must say I find the World Famous business just a little over the top, but then what advertising isn’t anymore. Even the wonder drug Viagra, a pill that prompts a man to sing in the shower or sit on the edge of a doctor’s table and stare at the floor has its drawbacks. They never mention it takes an hour to work and well-over 90 percent of the time once it actually kicks in, the wife, friend with benefits, or friendly neighbour whose husband is away on a business trip, is asleep or has gone shopping.
I’m sure you recall my article about Obsession for Men. You don’t – really? Well then I will run it once again, but you should have to pay extra. (Not of course, if you are a subscriber, as you should be)
A few years ago, I was browsing through Toronto Life and came across an ad for Obsession for Men. Eau de Toilet by Calvin Klein. To start with I would never buy anything from a guy named Calvin. My middle name is Edwin. I wouldn’t buy anything from me either.
Obsession had a picture of a bare naked man (side rear view, not exactly straight on) well you could see his bum anyway. Over his shoulder, he was carrying . . . a bare naked woman. Her head was buried between his shoulder blades, his rested on her thigh. They were standing on the stone balcony of a magnificent mansion. This is either just before or just after a roll in the hay that would make the love scenes in Pretty Woman seem like a peck on the cheek.
Now let’s think about this for a minute! It doesn’t take too many brains to realize we are talking heavy-duty romance here. But do you see the problem?
How did he get her up there?
As students of the art of love we have to think of these things. Did this beautiful woman stand on a chair and flop over his shoulder? Or did this handsome young lad bend over and pick her up off the floor like a bag of flour? When I was a kid working at Dominion Stores, picking up a hundred pound bag of Five Roses flour damn near killed me. How did this guy get her up there? Remember they are naked and probably all sweaty. Have you ever tried to pick a squirming two year old out of the bathtub?
Maybe more important, what did he have to do with Obsession to get this gorgeous creature to take off her clothes, walk out on a balcony and climb over his shoulder? Did he sprinkle a few drops on her or put a dab or two behind his ears? Did he slip it to her in a drink? Where was Obsession when I was this guy’s age? I was looking for this stuff.
Does this stuff really work? I had a triple bypass in 1986 and again in 2012; can I use this? And if I do, should I have an ambulance idling in the driveway and a team of heart surgeons standing by? Or would the 9 and the 1 already punched in on my cell phone be sufficient.
Another thing, how did this guy get her down? Did he lean forward and dump her on the bed? What if he got her up there and she slid down his back and landed on her head? That can happen quite easily if the two lovers have been going at it for a while on a hot summer day. And it must be summer. Most folks don’t wander out naked when a north wind is howling on a blustery winter’s day in February — well most normal people anyway.
Can you imagine yourself standing in the emergency ward with a naked girl over your shoulder trying to explain your predicament to a triage nurse?
Another thing, if the two of you are stark naked, where would you keep the Ontario Health Cards?
What if I was the guy and the E.R staff pulled their usual stunt . . . “Take a seat, Mr. Foster. We will call you when a doctor is available”? Well I wouldn’t have to worry about finding a seat. Hers is on display for the entire waiting room.
“How did this happen, Mr. Foster?”
“Well, I was standing on this balcony and this lady came up to me and said, ‘Hey tiger, do you want to go halves on a jug of Obsession for Men?’ and here we are.”