Horrorscopes For Dummies

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

I read in an astrology column a couple of weeks ago (although it might have been on a placemat at a Chinese restaurant) that for people born under the sign of Aquarius, Jupiter may be remarkably close to Uranus. I have never paid much attention to this astrological sign business, but just in case I better warn you that if your upcoming birthday is sometime between January 21 and February 19, you might be advised to look over your shoulder a lot or walk with your bum against the wall.

I was surprised recently to note that the Toronto Star still runs a daily astrological column. I suppose the idea is that people addicted to reading such stuff can check their chances of living through the day. If it looks good, they can go out and face the world without fear, although one might still be advised to check to make sure their insurance premiums are up to date.

If, however, the stars predict that all is doom and gloom, they can just pull the covers over their head until their paper person brings the next day’s forecast – which may be 24 hours too late.

Living your life by the positions of the stars and planets never made much sense to me and worrying which moon is in your astral house seems quite asinine. I can see where if some guy named Moon is in your own house while you are away and your wife is still at home could be a bit fretful, especially if at the same time Jupiter is following you around. But all in all, studying your horoscope seems to me to be a colossal waste of time. But then, what do I know?

Choosing your life’s partner by an astrological birth sign seems equally as dumb, but after I thought about that for a few minutes, the traditional way of choosing a bride or a groom or a friend with benefits is hardly foolproof and fraught** with danger. With the staggering number of divorces among couples who paired up out of love, or more likely, lust, I suppose someone asking “What sign are you?” at a stand-up bar may be just as accurate. Although it might be advisable at the same time to ask for the name of his or her doctor and whether the object of your desire has had all their shots.

I have a friend who met an absolutely beautiful girl in downtown Toronto. When I asked what sign she was born under, he said he didn’t know, but she was standing in front of a sign advertising rooms for rent by the hour. Sadly they drifted apart. Well drifted is hardly the right word since a cruiser picked her up and two members of the vice squad hauled him in for questioning. Whether they asked the young lady for her sign, he didn’t say.

Fortunately, or unfortunately for the majority of people, some lucky souls born under certain signs are blessed with qualities vastly superior to those hatched in the dregs of the astrological domains. I am referring here of course to the lucky lads and lasses who arrived in that hallowed period between July 24th and August 23rd and are Leos. For obvious reasons these chosen souls have been assigned top spot in the astrological calendar. Several of us (did I mention I am a Leo?)… as I was saying, we appear to have been born of virgin birth and not as a result of the sweaty pursuits of parents of lesser individuals.

Sadly the other folks out there were born under inferior signs. I could name a few but I won’t since those individuals are already plodding through life bereft of hope for the future and likely abiding in local or federal penal institutions. I need not worry about adding insult to injury to the damaged egos of those individuals already short-changed by the fates since they will not be reading this informative and unbiased missive. If they have somehow managed to borrow the price of a computer or have stolen one, it is doubtful they would have reached a scholastic level beyond finger painting and naptime and reading would be completely foreign to them.

The list of celebrities born under this most precious of signs is endless and quite fascinating. Robert De Niro, the noted actor and director is one of us, as is the beautiful Sandra Bullock and the immortal Alfred Hitchcock. Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky are also members of our exclusive entourage. Perhaps you don’t remember them. He was one of the greatest Presidents of the United States and she was his intern and occasionally, out-turn, or sideways or whatever turn suited his fancy at the time.

** I believe that is the first time in my entire life that I have ever used the word ‘fraught’. I wonder what it means.

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