Super Heroes And Me
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
As promised, the comic book superheroes.
Surely you remember the most powerful guy from your childhood comics? Yes, dear friends, it was Superman. Of course you remember him, he’s the guy who wore red underpants over his blue spandex leotards and still does, or did the last time I checked. He’d be a fashion leader today if he lived in Barrie. No fly in his undies I noticed, that will be a bit of a problem if his doctor puts him on pee pills. Did I ever tell you about the time I… never mind.
Superman was the forerunner of all the truly greats of the comic book world. Kel-El, or Clark Kent as most of the citizens of Metropolis knew him, should have had the perfect life. After all he was, and still is, indestructible, well almost, he does have a problem with Kryptonite, but how often do you run into that stuff, once or twice a year at the most. He can fly, which is handy in 2026 with all the highway traffic, and for free too because 407 cameras point down not up.
In the first Christopher Reeve movie he flew backwards round and round the world at such a speed the Earth stopped spinning and reversed itself. The whole world went back in time. It’s too bad he couldn’t do it now. He could move us back to that blissful time before the last American election and Canadians could start going to Florida again.
Superman first appeared in the comics way back in 1938, that was 88 years ago. I was but a babe and not nearly as strong as he was except for maybe my diaper, but I have been a fan of his since his beginning and followed his career ever since. A few years ago I covered the Lois Lane-Clark Kent wedding for the Packet.
Mr. and Mrs. Waldo (Shady) Lane are ecstatic to finally announce the wedding of their only daughter, Lois, to Clark Kent, son of the very late Mr. And Mrs. Jor-El of Krypton, and foster son of the also late Mr. And Mrs. Selmo Kent of Sebright.
The wedding will take place at the Church of the Interplanetary Pilgrim and Bingo Hall on Wednesday October 9th at 3:00 pm.
BYOB, no tank tops please.
Lois and Clark are still together but as you might expect they have had their little difficulties over the years. His x-ray vision and super speed caused problems from the very beginning of their marriage. You will no doubt remember the pink panties incident when Superman saw them through her dress after she moved out from behind the lead planter on her balcony.
Once she got used to being fully dressed yet bare naked at the same time whenever Super was around, she stopped wearing panties at all, I mean why bother? Had she discovered who Clark really was, she would have wet them but of course she didn’t know so she never did.
Take a break while I try to figure out what I just wrote.
Later his super eyeballs became quite a boon for his fellow workers at the Daily Planet Newspaper. You may recall the incident when the Managing Editor, Perry White, was bent over tying his shoes and Clark, in his Superman suit, noticed a half- dozen polyps nestled where polyps shouldn’t nestle.
Super said he could burn them off with his x-ray vision set on high. It would hurt like hell for a few minutes but at least he wouldn’t have to suffer two Fleet enemas and a sleepless night sitting on the toilet. After checking American colonoscopy prices, Perry told him to go for it. His screams would have been heard on Krypton had it not blown up, but of course it had, so they weren’t.
His super speed was quite a problem too and seriously affected their wedding night. Clark said, “That was wonderful, Lois.” and she said, “What was?” but he was already in the shower.
Concealing their real identities has been quite a challenge for Clark and Superman over the years, especially now that phone booths have all but disappeared. As you might well imagine, holding a cell phone over your crotch while you change costumes just doesn’t do the job.
I hesitate to lump Spiderman in with the superhero bunch but I guess I have to. It isn’t that he doesn’t qualify but my wife hates spiders. If he shows up at our house, Mary will whack him with a flyswatter.
I fully intended to delve into the ridiculous world of Captain Marvel but I will not. Who would believe that if a mild-mannered chap was to shout a magic word he would turn into a super hero? That is stupid. Like, if I was to shout – Shazam?
“Jim, did you remember to… I don’t know who you are, Mister, but you look like an idiot in those red leotards, and why are you wearing your underpants on the outside?”
(Image Supplied)
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