All I Know About Numbers
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
Jacob Tsimerman became the first Canadian-based mathematician to win the prestigious Fields Medal
That honour was bestowed upon him this week in Philadelphia and we should be proud of him and we are. Professor Tsimerman received the award for his contribution in the recasting of o-minimality as a fundamental method of arithmetic and complex algebraic geometry. As we all might expect, it goes on to discuss his further work in Griffith’s conjecture on the algebraic of images of the period maps and the Andre-Oort conjecture for Siegel modular varieties. Had it been me covering the event I would have gone on to mention his further contributions to what we used to call ‘sums’ but there is only so much room in a newspaper article and the reporter skipped that part.
It is probably not the time to mention it but I have a small problem with mathematics and arithmetic (also chemistry, geometry, trigonometry, nuclear fission and even common sense occasionally, but all that is for discussion at another time).
Now as I was saying about my shortcomings, because of my ability to count to 20 on my fingers and toes (naked 21) I was chosen to take Grade Four and Five in one year, which enabled me to go from being one of the ‘brights’ of Grade Three to the stupidest pupil in Grade Six, a feat still before an investigation committee of academics at R.H. McGregor Public School in East York. The only result so far is the re-introduction of the dunce cap.
The investigation resulted in the teachers involved being dismissed without pay or references. The ciphering problem that challenges me to this day has been attributed to the Grade Four curriculum teaching the four times multiplication table and the Grade Five program teaching the fives. (I don’t believe the human mind can go much further than that without exploding.) I was away the day the fives times table was being presented to our class, hence anything with a 5 in it is pretty much a mystery to me. That may explain why I have next to no understanding of Canadian currency and have barrels of nickels, dimes and quarters hidden in the basement since I have no idea what to do with the stuff.
I am afraid the school’s failure to teach me the basics has had a disastrous effect on my ability to survive in the modern world. (My ability to read I picked up, not at school, but on the back of Kellogg’s Rice Krispies boxes.)
For instance, I do not understand the Celsius system having been brought up using Fahrenheit (the system God intended for us to use. Some day we will pay dearly for it.) and have nearly cooked to death many times.
One afternoon in July the temperature was approaching 24C which I naturally assumed to be 8 degrees below freezing. I passed out in Couchiching Park. Had the ambulance driver not thought to open the trap door on my long underwear and insert the orange Popsicle, I would have perished. At OSMH, the stick was removed and the underwear sealed in a plastic bag. Later it was sent to a colorectal surgeon for analysis and recommendations.
I am fairly comfortable with the metric system for travel and speed limits but the Imperial weights and measures and the conversion to grams and kilograms leave me baffled. If I could afford to buy bologna on my old geezer’s pension, which I can’t, I would have to buy it by the slice since I don’t know whether 100 grams is enough for a sandwich or I would have to rent a truck to take it home.
Our home life is also affected. Mary’s cookbook is in pounds, ounces, and tablespoons since it was printed in the early 1900s and all the latest editions are in kilopascals or some other weird stuff. I tried to make oatmeal and what was supposed to be a bowlful ran down the stairs and flooded the basement.
Today I was attempting spaghetti sauce from another recipe book and it calls for 5.92 milliliters of water. Do you see what my problem is? The recipe has a ‘5’ in it. So I called Professor Tsimerman for his advice on the conversion, but his secretary said he has already heard about me and refused to take my call.
(Image Supplied)
