‘Just Looking’ In The Digital Age

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

Just when I thought I had all the toys I needed I found something online I really must have, a 25 ton gas-powered log splitter. Just think of all the things I could do with a machine like that, I could… I could…. I could split a 25 ton log. Well, I guess that’s about it.

Now all I have to do is find a 25 ton log. I wander through Homewood Park every day or two but have yet to see one lying on the ground or leaning against a fence. Plus the guys from the City Works Department follow anyone carrying a chainsaw. But one of these day I’ll find a whole whack of them and – and – I don’t know, I guess I will drag them home and split them.

Every now and then I find stuff that I really, really, need. The splitter was advertised on a Home Hardware online flyer for $1099.97 but I bet if I haggled a bit and offered them $1099.00 cash they’d take it. I will have to act fast because they only had 324 left so the offer won’t last long. Plus it’s free delivery but only to the store, that means I will have to buy it then get it home and cab fare is so expensive.

My neighbour, Mark, has one and we could team up and split logs for the whole neighbourhood. At a buck a log we could pay for both of them in no time. Although I have to admit his splitter is not all that busy. He has had it for three or four years now and I have never seen it working. I don’t know why. I guess it’s because he can’t find a log. I mentioned it to Angie, his beloved, one day and all she did was roll her eyes heavenward and walk away mumbling.

I might have a bit of a problem storing a splitter now that I think about it. This one is 90 inches long, 45 inches wide and weighs close to 500 pounds. I guess I could keep it in the garage and leave the car outside. We like getting into a warm car but we can’t just leave the splitter out in the bitter cold; that would be just plain stupid. I could put it in the basement where it would be warm and toasty, but we would have to knock out two walls and drag it though the kitchen to get it down there.

Quite frankly that would be a pain in the ass if Mary is cooking something. Not only that, it would mean each of us would have to lift 250 pounds and with my back… I couldn’t ask her to lift it by herself. I could try but she would probably come up with some lame excuse. That’s one of the problems with wives, they always say they are willing to help but when you ask them… well, if you are married, you know.

My biggest mistake was to look at it in an online flyer. Now, every day for the next six months I will be flooded with splitter ads from all over North America. Not only that, but I happened to mention it out loud; now our ‘Hey Google’ plays music on Spotify and even Mozart concertos have the sound of chain saws buzzing away in the background.

I made the mistake of pricing futon beds about two years ago and we got on the emailing list from companies as far away as Sweden. I almost bought one but we would have to get rid of the pull-out couch we want to replace and the damn thing weighs a ton, plus we will have to knock out those two walls again.

I found out later the couch was sitting on the lot and they built the house around it. We had a mover come in to give us an estimate to take it away, but when he started talking about dynamite we decided to just leave it. It looks okay but it is horribly uncomfortable and OHIP refuses to cover anyone injured while using it. We found out later it had been designed originally for the Spanish Inquisition but they refused to use it on humanitarian grounds.

I have to tell you this, and it is true. Ten minutes or so after I left the Home Hardware website, I got an email saying they noticed I left without buying anything and up popped the ad for the log splitter.

(Image Supplied)

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