Art’s Gallery Is Full Of…
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
I’m back! I know you have been eagerly awaiting more of this fascinating foray into the lives of the great artists of yesteryear.
Peter Paul Rubens (1577 – 1640)
No doubt you have heard of Peter Paul Rubens. His name is forever coming up over coffee at Tim Horton’s. Pete was the foremost painter of the Flemish School. The other tradesmen working on the project were pretty slipshod and were only trusted with the walls and on rare occasions, the ceilings. The intricate work around the doorways and blackboards was left for Peter Paul. But it matters not. The Flemish School was the first one closed when the government decided to give rich Conservatives another tax-break.
In 1628, Peter Paul went on a mission to Spain to paint the Royal Family. In spite of hours of scrubbing with steel wool and turpentine most of the paint just wouldn’t come off. Queen Isabella was particularly upset and refused to be seen on a nude beach without her wrap. Although her husband, Ferdinand, was actually quite pleased with Peter Paul’s work since it covered Her Majesty’s stretch marks and saved the realm thousands on sun tan lotion.
Nevertheless, Peter was banished from the kingdom for as long as he lived or until the sun rose in the west whichever came first.
If I’m not mistaken, Rubens was another of the artists rather fond of beefy women and most of his paintings had to be hung with steel cable. Even though his ladies were quite large and he was known for his painstaking attention to detail, Pete was able to paint them fairly quickly since he was not limited to brushes and could use a roller. For some of the chunkier girls he used a spray gun.
Paul Gauguin (1848 – 1903)
Paul Gauguin was a French businessman who packed in a promising career as a banker to take up painting full time. Had he known Raymond Chun was going to make 1.5 million bucks (plus tips) a year as President of the TD Bank, Gauguin might have reconsidered his hasty decision.
Paul moved to the South Seas in 1891 and a great many of his paintings from that period in his life (the so-called, Walking Around with a Bulge in his Pants period) were of native girls without their undershirts. His paintings, although neglected in his time, are highly prized today — especially among the more perverted members of the Arts Community, which covers most of them.
Winston Spencer Churchill (1874 – 1965)
Oddly enough, one of the most famous of the modern day artists was a politician, none other than the great British statesman and wartime Prime Minister, Sir Winston Churchill.
Although several of his works are on display at various galleries around the world, there are none from the last four years of his painting career. Art historians attribute this lack of latter-day paintings to Winnie’s failing eyesight and his habit of smoking foot-long stogies while he worked. It also helps to explain why his fire insurance rates skyrocketed in the days before his death and why his landlady ran for a bucket of water whenever Winston picked up a brush.
We must not forget the other branches of the art world that have been around for centuries. For instance, sculpture has been here since Helen of Troy first winked at Paris starting a war that lasted 10 years.
Wilhelm Lehmbruck (1881 – 1919)
Lehmbruck was a German sculptor whose female nudes were known for their Gothic elongation. It would seem to me if his female model had an elongation, Wilhelm was sculpting her but staring at her brother, Fritz. That may explain why he was dead at 38. It was well known among the German aristocracy that Fritz didn’t swing that way.
Michelangelo (1475 – 1564)
Perhaps the greatest artist of all time was Michelangelo. Not only was Mike a fine painter, but also a sculptor. His most famous works are the Ceiling in the Sistine Chapel* and the Statue of David. The ceiling took four years to complete. The Pope was immensely pleased until he got the bill — sixteen bucks an hour, plus time and a half after eight hours, double time for Sundays and holidays.
The giant statue of David along with his private parts is on display in Florence. There is always a crowd of giggling women standing in front of his statue. The men are around the corner staring longingly at Venus di Milo’s knockers.
I am sure there have been other artists and sculptors but they didn’t amount to much.
* What actually happened was Pope Sixtus 1V asked Michelangelo to splash a few dabs of flat white on a couple of unsightly water spots on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. It wasn’t until four years later, when Sixtus IV finally got around to inspecting his handyman’s work, did he mutter the never to be forgotten words, “Damn it Mike, all I asked for was a friggin’ touch-up.”
(Image Supplied)
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