A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
‘Police arrest naked man with concealed weapon’
That interesting line was an MSNBC headline, which leads us to wonder who had the concealed weapon and what it was. I suppose if it was the cop doing the carrying, it could have been hidden in his pocket, under his armoured vest, in the small of his back where NCIS officers hide theirs, or stuffed in his boot. It could be hidden anywhere on his body as long as the arrested man didn’t see it.
If, however, the naked man was the individual doing the secreting, hiding places are somewhat limited. It could have been sticking in his ear perhaps. That’s possible I suppose but I would think, fairly risky. If the weapon was a revolver, a Walther PPK, or a sawed-off shotgun and went off prematurely, the noise might damage his eardrum, or heaven forbid, blow his ear right off, and that could lead to an even greater problem. Although my understanding of the ins and outs of the science of audiology is almost non-existent, I would think one might need an ear wherein to place a hearing device so he wouldn’t have to say ‘What’ all the time. I know that drives my wife crazy.
I suspect (ladies may want to ask your children and probably your husband, or your friend with benefits to leave the room) there is only one place left for him to stuff it. Once again should the device go off prematurely (and it very well might if he is running from the cops and must climb a fence or crawl though a sewer pipe) the resulting damage could affect his reproductive ability in some small way – or in a big way if the villain was the late Milton Berle and the stories I read about him were true. If Donald Trump had one like that Stormy Daniels would have paid him $130,000.
Again, we were not told what the actual weapon was. I think we can rule out a howitzer or a bazooka unless the man is quite pudgy. I know it isn’t politically correct to talk about someone’s weight these days but what else can I say about the big tub?
Anyway, let’s put some clothes on the naked man and go on. Now here is an interesting titbit from the files of a travel agent. (I try to slip in ‘titbit’ every now and then because my cousin Sue thinks it is a dirty word and not right out of the Oxford dictionary. Even the Microsoft dictionary gets it wrong – but they use American spelling and most of it is wrong.)
As I was saying, a request from an airline passenger – ‘Can you make sure I don’t get a window seat on the plane because I just had my hair done.’
Now that is a stupid question especially in 2024 when there are many excellent hair gels on the market. Perhaps a stylish toque might be all she would need. We wouldn’t have this problem if the automotive industry hadn’t done away with the no-draft vent windows back in the 60s.
‘We’ll be here ’til the cows return to Capistrano.’
This clever statement was made by an Alabama State representative at a rally protesting the closing of a hospital. I have no idea if the protest was successful; I only quoted it to emphasize the intelligence of an American elected official. Everyone knows it is crows who return to Capistrano.
And one for the lonely gentlemen out there, correction in the Guardian (UK), ‘Harvesting your own seed is one of gardening’s greatest pleasures,’ was changed to ‘Harvesting the seed of a favourite plant is one of gardening’s great pleasures’
This kind of follows in an obscene sort of way, ‘Policeman loses nose in circumcision ceremony.’
One question here: who was he investigating, the circumcisee or the near-sighted mohel?
And finally: ‘Do you prefer having sex with or without a condor.’
It’s hard enough having sex when you are an old geezer without some giant bird pecking at you.
Quotes were borrowed (i.e. stolen) from the 2024 edition of the 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said, by Ross and Kathryn Petras and I promise I won’t do it again.