Sex Advice From An Expert?
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
This column was originally written as a guide for sexually active seniors, although you younger folks in their 60s would be well advised to read it so you can look forward to the upcoming failures and embarrassments in your life.
Eventually, all couples grow out of the ‘Honeymoon’ stage (that’s what we in the therapy game call those first few months when newlyweds or newly-bedded can’t keep their hands off each other).
But sadly, the “I can hardly wait until tonight” becomes “Don’t tell me it’s July again” or “I don’t know, Nigel. I’ll have to see what’s on Netflix first”.
This sexual slowdown happens to us all eventually. Well not to me, thank God. In the beginning, all you had to do was look at each other and it’s off to the bedroom. Then after a while it becomes “Oh God, he has that look in his eye again. I’ll pretend I don’t see it and finish the laundry” and finally it’s “Not again! I wonder if the police would believe he committed suicide by holding a pillow over his own face.”
One of the problems in marriages is the lack of communication. For a more satisfying life in the bedroom, experts are saying we should tell our partner what we like.
Omigod, sir, don’t tell her that! Are you crazy?
There are several signs the spark has gone from a marriage. Some are fairly obvious, like the exchange of gunfire on a regular basis. Another thing that suggests there may be problems is frequent visits by the local constabulary to break up a domestic, usually at the behest of neighbours.
But the untrained public often misses subtle signs when assessing the state of their relationships and expert help may be needed to identify these little clues.
For us males, there are a number of telltale hints that suggest a wife or partner may not be quite as thrilled with our romantic endeavours as she once was. I know this will come as a shock to some of you.
For example – if while making mad passionate love, a wife mentions the ceiling needs painting, that is usually considered a bad sign. If she actually gets up and starts putting on a primer, it may mean her hubby is not exactly Keynote Reeves and it’s time for him to retire from connubial activities and join the Federal Conservative Party.
If at the height of passion, a wife turns on a cooking show because it is demonstrating a new method of cooking turkey, it might simply mean company is coming. Or it could be an indication there is more than one turkey at your house and one of them isn’t in the freezer
Another bad sign is the wife going to bed wearing a sleep mask, pyjamas with the feet in them, and a combination lock on the zipper. Unless the husband has a locksmith’s home number scribbled on the headboard, he should try not to get his hopes up.
And ladies, if he is just not as attentive as he once was, the poor old dear might just be getting old and can’t keep up to you. You’ve known for years you should never have hooked up with a man ever so many years your senior.
There are a few things to watch for – like forgetfulness about the romance thing. If you wake up at midnight and he is lying there staring at you and appears confused, just say “You were wonderful, dear” and he will roll over and not bother you for the rest of the night.
But what if you are thinking of straying outside the marriage? I’m not recommending it, I’m just saying what if?
Let’s face it many of you have been out of circulation for quite a while now and the dating styles and communications have moved on.
If a man asks you ladies if you would like to play with his I-pod, there is no need to phone the police. An I-pod is… come to think of it I have no idea what an I-pod is, maybe you better call the cops.
And you kind sir, if the young blond cashier in Zehrs offers to show you her Blackberry, it won’t be necessary for you to splash on a quart of Old Spice. You are not going to be getting lucky after all.
But if you are thinking of straying, you will need some good pick-up lines. I’m not trying to encourage such a thing, but if you are going to make an ass of yourself, you might as well be prepared.
If you madam, would like to get chummy with that nice gentleman at the end of the bar wearing a biker jacket and a helmet with the horns sticking out the side, what are you going to say to him to show you are interested in meeting him later for stimulating conversation?
And you sir, what are you going to say to that young lady sitting alone to show her that you are a gentleman and not after her for her body? A body, which you just happened to notice measures 38-24-36 with legs that are shapely and go all the way to the ground.
There are several crackerjack lines I can suggest. The ever popular, “What’s a nice guy (or gal) like you doing in a place like this?” is an old favourite.
On the other hand, if the girl you have chosen is leaning against a lamppost and says, “working“you might want to consider heading to an after-hours clinic later for a penicillin shot.
(Image Supplied)
