Long-Lost Pages From The Book Of Jonah: A Whale Of A tale
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
Some of the great stories of the Bible, although occasionally based on actual events, do stretch the imagination just a tad. A classic example of this mild distortion of facts is the story of Jonah who apparently went off on the world’s first Mediterranean boat cruise in the belly of a whale.
Fortunately while wading through the priceless treasures at a neighbour’s yard sale, I came across what appears to be several pages of Jonah’s diary
1) Now the word of the Becky came down unto Jonah, the son of Amittai:
2) “Jonah, I’ve told thee a thousand times, I don’t want thee out fishing while there’s yard work to be done. Look at this place! Thee haven’t emptied the composter in 10 years. There has to be at least two ounces of good compost in there. And the lawn! It would take a herd of kine six months to clean up that mess. That’s assuming thy kine can find any grass underneath the chariot parts and other crap thee has lying all over the place.”
“I should have listened to my mother. She told me thee were nothing but a bum, Jonah, a bum. And like a fool I didn’t listen to her and didst lie with thee anyway. I should have known that a man who rode around all day in an oxcart with ‘Satan’s Choice’ painted on the side would come to no good.”
“Now thee just doff thy dumb hat with the silly dry flies on the brim and put thy fishing pole in the shed. I’m having the ladies over for bridge this afternoon and I don’t want Sadie Goldman telling half of Joppa what a bum thee are.”
3) And Jonah sayest unto her, “Yes, my love.” And the back of his neck was red with shame and his sandals were wet.
4) And lo, didst he takest off his lucky hat with the ‘Tarsus Terrors’ on the front which cost him 14 shekels plus tax, and he didst leanest his bamboo pole onto the garden shed wherein he kept his scythe, his hoe and his riding mower. With a sigh, he didst survey his property and moan most exceeding.
5) But the hour of noon was nigh. And it is written that a man shall not rakest and mowest in the hot sun without sustenance. Neither shall he feed his kine, nor his ox, nor his ass, without first partaking of a few loaves and fishes and perhaps a gallon or two of cold beer to fortify him against the elements.
6) And Jonah didst hitcheth up the bullocks to his cart and didst drive downtown to Benjamin’s Bar and Grill for a manna burger and a pint or two of Mogen Lite.
7) And soon, his friends, Big Solly and Myron the Moabite, didst park their buttocks on the stools on either side. Thence didst the three rail at great length of the disaster at Canaan when Slomotion in the third didst stumble but 40 cubits from the finish and end up out of the money. And the beer didst flow and many shekels were spent on Nevada tickets, beef jerky and pickled doves eggs.
8) And as the Happy Hour was now upon them, the comely Jezebel, a professional woman didst climb upon their table, tucketh the two bronze coins they had passed unto her into her britches, and didst dance and twirl until her robes didst flutter into the Mogen Lite.
9) Lo, didst a noise like a thousand thunders rent the sky and the swinging saloon doors of Benjamin’s didst fling wide. Yea verily, didst Becky and Miriam and Martha come through like gangbusters and takest Big Solly, Myron the Moabite, and Jonah by the ears and haul them out into the street. And they were sore afraid.
10) And Becky didst taketh the reins of the bullock cart. For Jonah, by this time, knowest not whether his nether parts were punched, bored, or kicked in with a snowshoe. And lo, didst she aim the beasts for the family hovel. And his deportment came up in the conversation again and again and again.
11) And on the morrow at the crack of dawn, didst Becky suggest that he arise from his blanket that she had lovingly placed in the corner with the dogs. Alas wast Jonah’s head pounding, his bowels were loose, his stomach churned and he didst rue that last bucket of Buffalo dove wings with the suicide sauce. Yet he complaineth not for he knew he wast on thin ice or wouldst hadst he known what ice wast.
12) Lo, as the dawn was breaking and as the last star fled the morning sky, Jonah didst set out with his scythe to the farthermost corner of his estate, which wast about ten cubits from the back door. Thence he didst hew and swipe and flail until his kine cowered by the fence and his chickens didst cluck in terror and hide under the hen house.
13) Since the well had gone dry some months before and he hadst yet gotten round to digging another, Becky set out for the village with her big jugs, saying unto him,
14) “If thee knowest what is good for thee, thee wilst be here whenst I get back.”
15) And Jonah called unto her, “Yes, my love.” And didst he hew and swipe and flail until she was out of sight.
16) And it happened by chance, that the comely Jezebel didst goeth door to door that morn canvassing for the Joppa Leprosy Association and didst knock upon the portal of the hovel of Jonah and Becky. As there wast no answer, she didst sneaketh around to the back to see if they were hiding under the porch as wast the custom of the day.
17) Lo, Jonah had just snappethed the cap off a cold one and saw her form silhouetted in the morning sun. He was struck dumb with the beauty of it all and fell into a swoon.
8) Whence he awoke, Jonah was in the back of her ox cart and they were some twenty furlongs from his estate going hell bent for election towards the coast where the comely Jezebel had a houseboat moored with silken sails of scarlet and a lantern to match.
19) And they didst stayeth upon the boat for three days and nights and didst they know each unto the other until he could get it up no more.
20) On the fourth day, Jonah didst crawl through the gates of his estate where a host of family and friends were standing round holding his wake.
21) Whence they didst see him, there was much rejoicing and Ahab the Caterer handed him a tab for the snackies that would choketh a bullock and didst Ahab scoopeth up the linens and wine goblets before the fight started.
22) Becky wast overjoyed to see him almost as much as the Prudential man who had pickethed up his bag of gold coins and wast heading out the door.
23) And Becky didst slay a fatted sheep and pitchethed it upon the fire in thanks to Jehovah for his safe return, saying gently, “Where in hell have thee been, thee sonofabitch? And it better be good.”
24) And Jonah, thinking fast, sayest in reply, “I was down by the stream gathering watercress for thy salad, my precious. Behold, a great whale didst rise up from the depths and swallow me whole. For three days didst I lie in the belly of a fish without food, drink or Gravol until the Lord caused the whale to eat a tainted herring and I was spewed out upon the beach.”
25) And the Pharisees and the rabbis and all the people of Joppa were amazed by the wonder of it all; especially the part about a whale swimming in a stream but two cubits deep, and they said as one, “Yeah, right.”
26) Nevertheless they rejoiced exceeding because there wast still plenty of beer and the Lord had saved Jonah from the great fish.
26) And lo, didst Jonah become a celebrity and was called a minor prophet among other things, and wast much in demand to speak to the Lions and the Rotary. Even his mother-in-law wast impressed and putteth him back in the will. But just as they were unveiling his statue, the comely Jezebel appeared and calleth out to him,
27) “That’s three days and three nights at 50 shekels a pop, Sparky. You owe me 300 bucks.”
(Image Supplied)
