When They Warn To Consult A Doctor Before Starting An Exercise Program, They Mean A Psychiatrist
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
Whilst searching through my vast library of tomes, books, novellas, and just plain useless crap I stumbled across an interesting guide to good health entititled (spelling courtesy of Mickey Lester, long-dead disc jockey of CKEY back when the world was young), 50 best Yoga Positions, featuring a vast number of enchantingly beautiful young ladies.
I would like to say I bought the book to study the asanas therein with the aim to set myself a program of exercises in an attempt to improve my health and beauty. I am ashamed to say that my current body has deteriorated drastically such that a number of local funeral homes have started mailing me brochures in case, or with hope, I suddenly collapse and expire.
Alas, I did not buy it for any other reason than to look at the pictures.
But as I gazed at these lovely ladies this morning it brought back memories of the late 70s and early 80s when I actually did practice Yoga. Oh not seriously, but rather to do a number of poses each day to get in shape, my shape at the time being not the shape one would want to get into. Surprisingly, I actually followed the program for a number of weeks and found that my body, although not quite sleek and athletic, no long ached in the morning and I was able to bend over and touch my toes without moaning.
Alas, for some reason (my mind has mercifully forgotten what madness had come over me) I skipped a morning. And sadly I skipped another, and another, until I am now a physical mess and look not unlike the current president of the United States without the orange makeup.
The first of my asanas I planned to begin with was Downward Dog, a pose the author of my guide, Gillian Haslam, had chosen after watching her cat first thing in the morning. Sadly, we no longer have a cat; we did, several as a matter of fact, but they have gone to their reward as they say. (I was going to inject a bit of humour here and say ‘then we found out one had to feed them, but this is no time of levity.)
Angie and Mark, next door, have a cat, Oliver, but when I put a step ladder against their bedroom wall to see what Oliver did first thing, Mark took exception and spoke harshly to me. I thought I could frighten him by quickly assuming the classic Virabhadrasana warrior pose, but when I tried to put my left leg back at a ninety degree angle my knee seized up and I was forced to limp to the ER. By the time I got home Oliver had gone back to bed.
Yoga, of course, is a lot more than just a series of exercises. It is also a philosophy of life. I would explain it to you but if it is too complicated for me I can well imagine how difficult it would be for the average bozo and move on to what I have decided to make my signature asana, the ever popular Karnapidasana or Knee to Ear pose. This deep forward stretch appears to be quite simple once you get the hang of it. Lie on your back (you might want to use some sort of mat or cushion. I, of course, will just lie down on a hardwood floor). Now put your legs straight up in the air, then bend them forward until your head is between your knees looking up. Now pull your knees down to your shoulders and clasp your hands over your forehead interlacing your fingers, your feet will be resting comfortably on the floor.
Now follow me. I am lying on the floor… just a minute I’m getting a mattress, this damned floor is hard as a flipping rock. Okay let’s start again, lie on your back and lift your legs straight up, now bend them forward until they reach the floor. That didn’t look this hard in the picture; maybe if I reach up and grab behind my knees and pull them forward.
Oh oh! Did you hear a crack? Holy s—t, now I’m staring right at my crotch and I can’t move. Mary ! Mary!
I forgot she’s on the veranda reading. This is ridiculous! What else can possibly go wrong? Oh now I know, I should have gone to the bathroom first!
(Image Supplied)
