Words From The Throne

July 13, 2025July 13, 2025 Sunonline/Orillia Humour, Jim Foster

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. – George Carlin

I just realized I haven’t browsed through an Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader for quite a while. I have been using the other bathroom, the one without a book rack. But today I was caught short and… that’s not quite the right expression for an elderly, but still hopeful, gentleman… I felt the need to use the other bathroom and in a hurry.

I feel guilty stealing from Uncle John again, but I do it out of kindness since most of you may not have one of his books on the back of your toilet and would miss out on his research. Besides, I suspect Uncle John would not be so mean as to charge an 87-year-old geezer with next to no money and even fewer smarts with plagiarism. Poor taste maybe.

Today I have selected a few excerpts from The Best of the Best of Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader published in 2008. That was back when the world was reasonably sane. That would be B.T. (before Trump)

Real Classified Ads

Used Tombstone – perfect for someone named Homer Hendelbergenheinzel. One only.

I bet some German chap scooped that one up right away. There must be dozens of Hendelbergenheinzels in Dusseldorf alone. If his name isn’t Homer; I’m sure chisels are available in Germany.

For sale – Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

You know what I miss? Clotheslines. Now everyone uses electric dryers. When we were kids in Toronto every back yard had a clothesline. A neighbour hung her drawers out one day and they were stolen. She eventually found them in Nova Scotia. They were being used as the mainsail on the Bluenose. She was a big girl.

You learn so many interesting things in Uncle John’s books. Did you know that Jesse James’ father was a Baptist minister? I’ll bet his old man never let Jesse take up the collection.

In a page called Mile High Comedians the flight announcements are often good for a laugh.

Your seat cushions can be used as flotation devises. In the event of a water landing, please take them with our compliments.

To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.

Fabulous Food Flops

Nestea’s Tea Whiz – Would you give a ‘yellowish, carbonated, lemon-flavoured drink’ a name like Whiz?

See if you can figure out why these products bombed:

Buffalo Chip Chocolate Cookies, Hagar the Horrible Cola, Tunies (hot dogs made from tuna fish), Mouth-So-Fresh Tongue Cleaner (myself, I use Old Dutch Cleanser, and occasionally, S.O.S pads)

I’m sorry, or famous apologies

In previous issues of this newspaper, we may have given the impression that the people of France were snail swallowing, garlic munching surrender-monkeys whose women never bother to shave their armpits. We now realize that the French football team can stop the Portuguese from getting to the World Cup Final we apologize profusely to France. Vive la France! (Daily Star (UK.) France beat the UK.’s rival, Portugal, in the World Cup 2006 semi finals.)

My family and I are deeply sorry for all that Vice-President Cheney and his family have had to go through this week. – Harry Whittington, after Dick Cheney shot him in the face.

Now this is for all us geezer. You know this is true and I’ll bet you did it not twenty minutes ago:

Why can we remember the tiniest detail that has happened to us, and not remember how many times we have told it to the same person? – Francois, Duc de la Rochefoucauld