Take The Fifth and Sally Forth
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
It is that time of year when we must all make resolutions so that we, well not me personally, one cannot improve on perfection, rather that you, the common people, can sally forth into 2025 with a purpose in your life.
Yes you dear hearts and gentle-persons, had better shape up if the world is to be a better place in the future. As a guide to help you become a success in this endeavour and hence, a credit to your family, your friends and your country, I have prepared a comprehensive list of resolutions so that each and every one of you will not have to spend hours New Year’s Eve pondering the many times you made a complete ass of yourself during the year and get on with the serious drinking.
First, I want you to forgive yourself for your transgressions, although no one else will, and face unafraid the plans that you made walking in a winterwo… sorry, I got carried away there.
Simply check off the resolutions that apply to you and voila, you will soon be the person you always wanted to be but never became as your family has reminded you over and over again.
- I will look in the dictionary and find out what ‘transgressions’ means, and whether it is automatic or stick shift.
- I will not peek in my neighbour’s bedroom window ever again – or at least until after the court case. I have to admit using my own ladder was not the brightest thing I ever did – that and leaving it propped under the window.
- I will apologize to the nice lady at the liquor store. I know I should have been watching where I was going, but I was spellbound by the tantalizing Christmas offerings and didn’t notice her bending over; driving her into a floor display of Bailey’s Irish Cream was inexcusable. I wanted to buy her a bottle as some sort of apology but there were no unbroken ones left.
- I will not suddenly remember a dental, doctor, or colonoscopy appointment just as it is my round anywhere alcoholic beverages are served. Nor will I use my standard, ‘Oh dear, I seemed to have forgotten my wallet’ line since I used that excuse some thirty times so far this year.
- I will not mention my wife’s/ husband’s/ lover’s weight gain in the company of friends ever again, and when I am finally able to walk without assistance, I shall get down on my knees and beg their forgiveness. Incidentally, the ’two axe-handles and a plug of chewing tobacco wide’ line was meant as a joke, albeit not a good one. I admit ‘Porky’ was not the best choice of a pet name and I will apologize once he or she is finally speaking to me. On the other hand, I have to admit it is quite pleasant out here except for Rover’s flatulence.
- I will not put an empty ice cream carton in the freezer in a feeble attempt to mask the fact that I am consuming hundreds of extra calories a day. (This likely only applies to the males of the species since a woman would never do anything that stupid.)
- I will never under any circumstances answer a 1-800 or 1-888 number unless I am a guest in someone’s home and can say, ‘It’s for you’ Should I actually do that, I will leave right away and leave no forwarding address.
- At midnight on New Year’s Eve, I will not put my tongue in anyone’s ear unless asked to do so. If asked, which isn’t likely, I will make sure my beloved and his or her dance partner are looking the other way.
- I will not re-gift underclothing until after it has been laundered.
- No matter how stressed I am I will never again send a photo of my bottom to a Revenue Canada officer nor suggest such a thing again ― unless he or she has the audacity to question my deductions again this year.
- I will not volunteer to go in with the first wave of American troops to Greenland, Panama, or anyplace else the demagogue down south decides to annex.
Oh, and one more – under no circumstances will I take New Year’s advice from some loony columnist about anything – especially this one.
(Image Supplied)
