If I Was A Script Doctor

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

A horrible thought struck me at 4 o’clock this morning, what if Joe Fox, (Tom Hanks) wasn’t NY152, Kathleen Kelly’s (Meg Ryan) on-line pen pal, in You’ve Got Mail? What if she showed up in the little park on the east side and there was some other bozo standing there?

Tom and Brinkley would come up the path and there Meg would be, smooching with some other jerk. There would be no Somewhere Over the Rainbow playing in the background with Meg saying ‘I wanted it to be you.’ Tom would be standing there with a handful of wilting daisies looking like Trump when he loses. If Brinkley jumped up on her anyway, a New York dogcatcher would be dragging him off to the pound.

And what about the real NY152, the guy who had been emailing Shop-Girl for months? He was all set to finally meet her for the very first time, probably got a haircut, lathered on a whole stick of deodorant, and when he gets there all hot to trot, she says, ‘I was hoping you would be someone else, someone with a lot of money who owns a big flipping boat. And what do I get some weirdo with the ass out of his pants and a comb-over to cover his bald spot. I guess it’s back to writing my phone number on the wall of a public toilet.’

I understand that is how most women get dates these days. When we were young, it was the Companions Wanted columns in the Toronto Star. I never had much success with newspaper ads, zero for a hundred, then one of their editors suggested I leave out the line about splitting the cost of the motel.

And what about poor Tom? All the money in the world, and fairly presentable, not a stunner like myself, but passable, and he has nobody, not even a two or three out of ten. He did have a girl friend with benefits if you remember, but they got in a fight in an elevator because she couldn’t find her Tic-Tacs and she dumped him.

Well, you can’t blame her for that. He had a golden opportunity with his stepmother; she was hot to trot and made moves on him at Thanksgiving and he spurned her advances. You can do a lot to a woman and get away with it, but spurning? Never. Now that he is available, and likely pretty desperate, next to nothing for at least a week, she runs off with Nanny Maureen, a woman I never dreamed would swing that way – his stepmom either as a matter of fact.

So what is Meg going to do? We know she is out of work, Tom, his dad, and his grandfather, put her little children’s bookstore out of business leaving her without a pot to… well, you know.

Instead of looking for a job like a normal person, Meg spends her days sitting in a Starbucks, drinking coffee and reading Pride and Prejudice. That is not the way to get ahead in the dog-eat-dog world we live in. She has no love life. She did have one a while ago, but her ex, Greg Kinnear, moved out and now has the hots for some chick he met during a television interview and she ran her hand up his leg. (You didn’t see that in the regular movie version. I pay extra for a porn channel version. It’s expensive but it’s worth it. In their version of Guys and Dolls, the missionary ladies are all topless.)

You must remember Greg Kinnear, he tried to hustle Julia Ormond in Sabrina and he was already engaged to some other chick. Has he no shame? On the other hand she was pretty good-looking. It was worth a chance I guess.

The trouble with most people out there is they just accept the movie story line and enjoy it. That is no way to go through life. To get the most out of a movie, you have to go home and worry about all the characters, maybe develop ulcers or have a nervous breakdown.

It’s different with a live play. When the cast is within throwing distance, you can express your opinion verbally, even physically if you are a big person, not a little runt of 5’5 ½” and even that is stretching it, until the ushers throw you out, or the police take you away.

No matter what happens sneak out before the end. The cast might be waiting for you outside.

(Image Supplied)

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