He’s Been Reading That Book Again
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
For some dumb reason, I began to reread J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings for the third time which suggests I have a few screws loose – but then we all knew that. We have the DVDs, including The Hobbit which started them all,but Mary refuses to watch them, prejudice against dwarfs and elves I suspect.
This afternoon I am at page 601 with another 400 to go and the temptation to pack it all in and watch the movie is gaining on me. Maybe I will pour a single malt and discuss it with myself. That’s not a good idea either because I know what the answer will be.
But moving on, after all the electoral BS we’ve been listening to at home and across the border for months on end, I think it is time for us to read a statement from a long-time politician who says it like it is. Oscar Goodman, a Las Vegas Mayor, when asked by schoolchildren what he’d like to have with him on a desert island said, “A showgirl and a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin.” No mention of a Bible or a copy of the American Declaration of Independence – or the Lord of the Rings either come to think of it, which wouldn’t have been such a bad idea since it would have lasted him for years.
How about, “Hunger can be a positive motivator.” Missouri State Representative Cynthia Davis actually came out with that winner when speaking against a program that feeds poor children. I think we all know how that silly bitch voted on the 5th of November.
As usual my source for this enlightening material is… ah, you’ve guessed it, Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader. (I’ll be getting a bill from John one of these days.)
It is amazing the priceless snippets of information you can dig up just by browsing through quality publications. For instance I have never tasted Bombay Sapphire gin but now I have it on my list and as soon as my next old geezer’s pension comes in I am off to the LCBO. As for the showgirl I’ll give her a miss, no sense ruining another woman’s dream.
But sometimes a snippet leaves me wondering, like this one I just noticed running across the bottom of page 325, “There are about 15,000 vacuum-related accidents in the U.S. every year.” I never knew that, but then I realized it said in the U.S. and that, dear friends, is a sure sign something weird could be going on.
My first thought was perhaps a lonely bachelor had just finished off a bottle of Bombay gin and realized another evening was over and once again love had passed him by and… well, you see, he had this vacuum and it looked kind of cute, sort of, and the two of them were alone and well, what the hell, who’s to know?
Was it possible at the same time that the young lady across the hall was vacuuming her rug and somehow the cord got wrapped around her ankles and down she went? Accidents will happen to young ladies, especially after two or three shots of Bombay. She was about to call for help but as she was dialing she saw the fire department carrying the man in the next apartment away. For some strange reason a vacuum was on the stretcher beside him He was moaning and obviously in pain yet the firefighters were giggling. Not a very professional way to act, she thought.
Or could it be the old geezer in the house next door who just bought an Acorn chair lift because it was much more affordable, tried to vacuum the stairs while riding up and down on it. He fell off the seat and landed on his wife who was at the bottom trying to work out a special deal with the installer to make it even more affordable.
Or could it be a vacuum sucked up little Fido’s tennis ball while he was still playing with it? The lady threw the Kirby in reverse and the blast blew the poor little bugger out the window and into the path of a fire-person pushing a stretcher dumping him, a vacuum, and a man with no pants on, onto the sidewalk. CTV somehow got wind of it and a news team was there with cameras a-rolling. Of course the OPP Swat Team was there because whenever anyone calls 911 everyone comes. The ambulance was on its way and not surprisingly the OSPCA too because someone reported a dog getting blown through a flipping window.
Even Tolkien couldn’t dream up a story like that – nor would he want to.
(Image Supplied)
