Everyone’s Trying To Be Yogi Berra

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

I know, I know, I shouldn’t be swiping funny stuff from Ross and Kathryn Petra’s Stupidest Things Ever Said daily calendar but sometimes the day’s entries are so hilarious I feel it is my duty to pass them along. I will sneak in a few and you can e-mail your plagiarism complaints to John Swartz, my editor. For starters, how about these four spelling mistakes they found from the answers of some young ladies on Twitter? God alone knows what the original question was.

1. ‘When you hug a guy and you smell his colon.’ Here we have to assume the girl is very short and he was bent over tying his shoes. Although she may have been stalking a young gentleman and he stopped suddenly.

2. ‘When you smell his colon on your pillow even when he’s not there.’  They likely tried some kinky position from the Kama Sutra. I have no idea what page. My mother found my copy under the mattress and had it burned.

3. “I love when I can smell a guy’s colon as he walks by.’ Obviously he’s not using Tide’s excellent 3 in 1 pods but one of the cheaper washing products.

4. ‘After you hug a boy and you smell like his colon.’ It must be the girl from number one and she must have kept walking.

If you were educated at Barrie Collegiate (not ODCI, the premier learning centre in the province in the 1950s) I should explain that the ladies meant cologne. At least I hope they did. On the other hand I may be hopelessly out of date with the romantic trends today and that’s exactly what they meant.

I know I’m a little senile and quite a nosy old fart but I wonder sometimes about the young ladies of today and their tattoos. A cute little rose on her bottom can be quite appealing but what happens to the rose when forty years have passed, and that same little bottom now covers half the couch? None of my business of course, but it does give one pause. (What in Hell does that mean anyway, ‘give one pause?’ What kind of idiot would say it? ―oh, I did.)

Here is an offer in there worth looking into:

‘BIBLE, original signed copy, poor shape, very holy, $20/offer’. I’m not questioning the veracity of the seller, but signed by whom? It is a well-known fact Abraham’s penmanship was appalling and as for Moses, his was worse. Theologians say it was sort of a cross between early Aramaic and Egyptian Hieroglyphics. Not only that, but it also appears that most of the ink had been washed away in that Red Sea incident.

Speaking about the Bible and colons, the Toronto Star published a few pages of quotes by famous people who died in 2023. One of them was a statement by the well-known evangelical fruitcake and one-time Republican presidential hopeful, Pat Robertson, ‘Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.’

I always thought it was seeing me in my underwear.

Robertson also said, and this will clarify where you gals stand in your marriage, ‘I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household, and the husband is the head of the wife and that’s the way it is, period.’

It doesn’t seem to work that way in our house.

We can’t forget sports commentator Tom Larseheid talking about Pavel Bure:

‘Bure is such a great talent, if only he could play with himself out there, it will really give the fans a show.’

I wonder what Pat Robertson would say about that.

And finally, ‘A cannabis user who stole Viagra from a pharmacy he was banned from ‘is not a hardened criminal,’ according to his lawyer.’

(Image Supplied)

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