Dating Advice, Continued

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

We are back with more timely tips for the online daters. Last week, if you can remember that far back, we discussed the dos and don’ts of that first meeting with someone you have met online. Assuming you didn’t take one look and remembered a pre-planned trip to Borneo, you will be forced to carry on a conversation with someone you know almost nothing about. True you did exchange tidbits of information by email but most of that was a pack of lies by both parties and now you are face to face and nervous. What will you talk about? Mind you this conversation should begin before you slip out of your shoes and run your foot up his or her leg.

There are topics that are universally agreed upon as absolute no-nos when you first meet a new friend. Religion and politics are taboo at any time and the mention of either is a prelude to a serious disagreement and even bloodshed. However there are some rare circumstances where your beliefs should be discussed and right away. If you are a member of a snake handler sect such as the Church of God in Harlan County, Kentucky you might want to mention it before your date puts his or her hand in your pants pocket. (Just why your friend would feel the need to do that I have no idea but it might be to investigate the hissing.)

It is not advisable at this time to rhyme off the sordid details your ex listed in his or her divorce deposition – in particular your fondness for wearing leather garments, bondage and whips. Nor should you mention your bed-wetting problem. If the two of you hit it off really well and the date comes to its hoped-for conclusion, your bed partner will know all about it upon awakening the next morning.

For the gentleman out there, I wouldn’t mention your life-long interest in pornography unless the lady across the table looks strangely familiar.

If either one of you have been married before the subject will likely come up early in the conversation especially if either one has Gloria tattooed on their arm. Perhaps this might be a good time to discuss tattoos since they have become quite popular among people with no brains and extra money.

If you decide to destroy your natural beauty with a garish tattoo, feel free to do so, but remember it is not an easy thing to have it removed and caustic chemicals and explosives may be involved. Therefore where you put this work of art and how big should be seriously discussed with the artist and possibly your proctologist. A delicate rose adorning your left buttock I am sure will be quite a cute and sexy beauty spot to show to the one you love when you are 19 or 20, but when you are 70 and a staggering number of pounds heavier, that tiny rose might resemble one of the larger floral displays at the Royal Botanical Gardens and – God forbid – have become an attraction for some of Mother Nature’s stingier creatures.  

I believe, however, we were discussing what to chat about on that all-important first date and not your decision to destroy your natural beauty.

If you are divorced, it pretty well has to come up early in your conversation if for no other reason than to assure your online date that you are free to see other people and not killing time while a married partner is in the after-hours clinic about a recurring genital itch. Just because a person is divorced doesn’t mean he or she is incapable of entering into another marital union with hope in their heart. After all, the failure of the first marriage may not have been their fault in spite of the huge ‘A’ burnt into their forehead. Granted his or her winking or blowing kisses at a person at the next table could be suspect, but it also may just be their way of acting friendly.

It may seem mercenary to attempt to find out what financial situation your new-found love is in but if you yourself are up to your proverbial ass in debt you don’t want another deadbeat to support. In fact you might very well be in one of those circumstances where the two of you will have to dash out separate doors moments before the tab arrives.

If your friend should be dumb enough to leave their purse or wallet on the table while they use the facilities (go for a pee) you might take a quick peak therein. Since fewer and fewer people carry cash anymore it isn’t unusual to find an empty space where the bills should be, however if the only card in there reads Blockbuster video you might assume that their credit rating is zero or slightly less and you should scurry out the door. If however there are three or four hundred dollar bills and a handful of platinum credit cards in there also you might stick around for a day or two. Of course you can’t do that, since you and that wallet are halfway to Barrie on the dead run.

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