Meanwhile, Down At The Hoop Factory

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

I don’t know if you would remember this news broadcast. Probably not, it was several years ago, but I wrote a sketch about it for Dave Broadfoot.

Women In The R.C.M.P.

News Broadcast – “Internal reports from the RCMP, confirm that almost half of the female applicants to the RCMP, fail to pass the physical fitness examination. Upper body strength is an area of difficulty for women and this requirement is under review by RCMP medical specialists.”

Mountie – Come in Miss, ah, Miss Renfrew. You wouldn’t happen to be related to the Sergeant?

Renfrew – Sergeant who?

Mountie – Never mind. Now, Miss Renfrew, I understand you are interested in joining the force… to carry on the grand tradition… to dedicate your life to maintaining the reputation of the finest police force the world has ever known. To proudly wear the scarlet jacket of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police…  to boldly go where Sir Sam Steele boldly went… to dream the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable foe, to try when your arms are too weary, to reach the unreachable…

Renfrew – Actually, I was looking for a job.

Mountie – Yes, of course, now you realize Miss Renfrew that very few ladies actually make the team? Our requirements are quite demanding.

Renfrew – I’ve heard that, Officer. That’s why I took Law Enforcement at Georgian, Criminal Law at U. of T., Computer Sciences at McGill, Tai Kwan Do and karate in Vancouver, Inuit tribal law at Tuktoyatuk U., Driver’s Ed from Fayne Bullen, and I watch Columbo every Thursday on Vision TV.

Mountie – Aah yes, but no horsemanship?

Renfrew – I was on the Canadian Olympic Equestrian team in Atlanta.

Mountie – But you didn’t win.

Renfrew – No. I was on the way to the event when a bombing occurred and I stopped to set up an emergency triage unit while the ambulances were trying to get through the traffic.

Mountie – I see. I’ll just write that down, “failed to show up for the competition.” Now Miss Renfrew, as you probably are aware, we in the force, are actively recruiting young ladies to make the RCMP their career. In fact the Commissioner has set a goal that 1\2 of one percent of the force be women by the year 2010, and by 2050 we fully expect that one in every two hundred officers will be women. Isn’t that an admirable goal Miss Renfrew?

Renfrew – I’m certainly impressed. Whoopee!

Mountie – I’m sure you’ve read the reports that some of our female officers are complaining of sexual harassment, Miss Renfrew. We hope to solve that problem by hiring only plain girls in the future, and may I say that you certainly more than qualify. But we do have a problem, Miss Renfrew. It appears that most of the female applicants are failing the physical fitness requirements of the RCMP. So I’m afraid I will have to ask you to lift a few weights we have here in the office.

Renfrew – I knew about that, Officer. I’ve been working out at home, while I was studying commercial law.

Mountie – Fine. Now if you would mind lifting that barbell over there. Not the big one, dear; just the two hundred pound one. Be careful now, don’t hurt yourself.

Renfrew – I’ve got it. What do you want me to do with it?

Mountie – DON’T GIVE IT TO ME MISS RENFREW! Just put it back down, dear. Well, you didn’t have much trouble with that one, but of course it was only the small one. Would you like to try the big one beside it? It weighs 900 pounds.

Renfrew – (grunting) I’m sorry, I can only get it up to my knees.

Mountie Soorree. We needed it up over your head. Well thanks anyway for showing an interest in the Force. But don’t be discouraged, we do have a number of opportunities in Food Services and some of our other Departments. How about waitress, short-order cook, dishwasher technician or Musical Ride broom-person?

Now Miss Renfrew, there’s no sense you getting angry. Put down that desk . . . don’t throw it… not out the window. Miss Renfrew, stay away… Miss RENFREW… PUT ME DOWN…  NOT THE WINDOW. MISS RENFREW. AAAAAGH.”

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