Doggy Business

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

Every now and then some genius invents a product that brings a whole new meaning to the word recyclable. A German architect has developed cement made from doggie poo. I cannot imagine anything more beneficial to society than this man’s work in the exciting field of dog poop reprocessing. Although the Pampers R&D chemists’ on-going project of converting dirty diapers into dishwasher-proof TV dinner plates still ranks high on my list.

It must be noted here that this remarkable new building material can only be made from dog poo. I’m afraid kitty cat residue isn’t acceptable at the moment so don’t be dropping it off by the bucketful at your local building products store. It’s unfortunate for us cat owners but I’m afraid the little deposits they leave so faithfully won’t pass the tried and true ‘scratch and sniff’ test. Any solid matter removed from a cat’s litter box is definitely not reusable since almost all products processed through a cat are highly toxic and are usually classed as biological weaponry. After Fluffy’s ingestion of some of the cheaper canned cat foods, the droppings are often mistaken for WMDs (Weapons of Mass Destinktion).

I applaud Herr Friedrich Lentze for his invention and I hope many months of being buried up to his elbows in his work will pay off handsomely. At least I hope he can make enough euros to buy a few friends since I doubt he has any left. I find friends can be very judgmental and even snotty when they have to spray their home with Glade or similar products after your visit. We have that problem and we don’t even own a dog.

Herr Lentze claims his cement is odour-free and I’m sure it is. Nevertheless, I don’t think I will buy a house downwind until his poop house is fully tested.

Who’d have thought that such an objectionable product could be made into something that will revolutionise the building trades? Imagine what it will do for the bricklayers of the world. Finally, it will be perfectly acceptable when someone asks him or her “What’s new?” to say, “Nothing! Same —-, different day.”

I can foresee whole subdivisions and even office towers made from this remarkable material. But the best part of Friedrich’s invention isn’t that his cement is cheap and readily available, but it finally relieves pet owners from the humiliating task of walking up and down the street like an idiot carrying a supermarket bag.

From now on, whenever Spot does his business, Mr. or Mrs. Pet-owner can just pick up a handful and slap it on the neighbour’s wall. No longer will he or she glower at you out the window like you are some sort of criminal. Instead, they will rush to the door and call, “Thanks! We’ll take all we can get. Next time; please take Spot around back. We are putting an addition on our garden shed.”

Reading the article stirred my imagination and I began to think of all sorts of everyday articles that could be recycled. There are hundreds of items that we throw away or have even burned in the past that can be made into high-end consumer goods. Your old underwear is an excellent example. Other than dust cloths or place mats for the dining room, there is not much that can be done with threadbare drawers and some effort should be made to correct that. I’m talking about men’s underwear of course. Ladies’ lingerie is usually much frillier, hopefully cleaner, and far more aesthetically pleasing to the eye.  Some of the more expensive brands that boast lace panels and ribbons are quite popular even now as decorative pocket hankies.     

I have often thought leftover casseroles would be a welcome addition to the vast array of building products on the market. A few of Mary’s experimental efforts that didn’t turn out exactly as planned could survive a nuclear blast. Some of her more successful recipes have had to be removed from the dish with a jackhammer and on one occasion, dynamite.

One can imagine the longevity of a home built with the stuff. Rumours abound that Rome’s famed Coliseum, a structure that has thrilled visitors for centuries, was not made from the standard building materials of the day. Historians have narrowed it down to a mixture of wet sand and dog poop or a vegetable lasagne that was left in the oven too long.

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