Foster On Drugs

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

Now the last thing I want to do is to go to war with the drug companies, especially when the world is coming apart and they are the folks who are making the vaccines. But I am worried about some of the products they are pushing to us old geezers. To be honest it isn’t the compounds themselves that is causing my sleepless nights; it is the never-ending lists of side effects they run below the TV commercials I’m starting to be concerned about.

Did I say started? I’ve been shaking in my boots ever since I saw my first TV ad for Alka-Seltzer back in 1956 on our old black and white Sylvania with the halo (that did nothing as I recall). Should I be taking some product advertised by Speedy, a talking cartoon character? I was worried at the time that the fizzing would affect my sex life even though I didn’t have one, or had much hope of getting one. I figured I was safe to take it for a year or so, or at least until my pimples cleared up, but what about when I reached 40 and might possible have one. (It turned out the fizzing actually helped; it gave me something to blame it on after I failed)

But last night when we were watching Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (a primer for the up and coming sex maniac)an ad came on for some drug that started with the letter O. (I’m too chicken to say the real name since the company has lawyers and mine won’t leave the house until the pandemic is over. He’s OK though, the LCBO delivers.) On the blurbs running across the bottom of the screen I just happened to catch an interesting warning, ‘Before taking, consult your doctor if you have suicidal tendencies.’

Did I read that right – If you have suicidal tendencies?

What is in this crap they are peddling? And where are they mixing this stuff, in Dr. Frankenstein`s lab. I skimmed through several more of the questionable side effects, anal leakage, rectal seepage, erectile dysfunction, (that’s the one where a man sits in his underwear on a doctor’s table looking sad) lack of gumption, tired blood, creeping crud, hearing loss, dental floss, runny nose, hammer toes, muscle spasm, failed orgasm, bealed ears, saggy rears, over-bite, cellulite, St. Vitus Dance, poopy pants, droopy drawers, canker sores, thrombosis, neurosis, heart disease, knobby knees, loose stools, bar stools, palpitations, salutations, teary eyes, flabby thighs, split ends, deep sea bends, yeast infection, lost erections, sinusitis, appendicitis, liver spots, blood clots, , kidney stones, spongy bones, *toilet bowl narcolepsy (following asleep on the can), diarrhea, Eritrea, halitosis, scoliosis, haemorrhoids, asteroids, vaginitis, laryngitis, renal failure, genitalia, rheumatism, astigmatism, chilblains, gas pains, yeast infections, lost erections, gangrene, ruptured spleen and finally the worst ailment of them all, annoying rectal itch. 

I realize drug companies have to tell us all this stuff and I guess it doesn’t matter much since we all suffer from four or five on the list (not me, thank God, but the rest of you), but suicidal tendencies?

What is in this drug that would tempt you to stick your nose up your car’s exhaust system, or if you drive a Tesla, stick your finger in a battery or whatever drives those things? Myself, I think e-cars are a scam and someday some poor sap will be barrelling down the 400 and the plug will come out of the wall. Of course I said the internal combustion engine was also a scam. So far they are still working, but I still won’t go over 20 kph just in case.

It’s not that I don’t trust the drug companies, I do, but at the moment they are all working madly on vaccines. I hate to sound negative, but what if they get confused in all this rush and start running all their products down the same production line. Do you see the problem here? What if Pfizer is shipping Viagra and the COVID 19 vaccine at the same time? What if you have to wait an hour after taking the Pfizer’s vaccine and the pandemic is ready to go now? That could be a problem if the ambulance is tied up in traffic. An hour can be a disaster.

I have a friend who took a Viagra one morning; his wife got tired of waiting and went shopping. Fortunately it turned out not too badly; the lady in the next apartment dropped by to borrow a cup of sugar. Now every morning he hands his wife a list and sends her to the store.

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