Thoughts On Sex, A Lot Of Thoughts

A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster

Today is Valentine’s Day and it may well be the ideal time to discuss certain matters to do with interpersonal relations like, shall we say, twitterpating (I believe that is what they called it in the 1942 classic Bambi and even birds and bunny rabbits were involved. I don’t know that for sure, my mother made me sit in the lobby when that part came on.)

Several years ago the CBC’s morning show, The Current, ran a program wherein a number of seniors discussed the joys and the pitfalls of sex and their changing attitude to the subject. I was horrified to hear this on public radio at the time as you might well imagine since I was brought up in the United Church of Canada where parishioners have never even heard of such a thing, let alone practice it.

Just where little United Church persons come from is still a mystery for the members. Most elders on the Board are convinced a stork is involved in some way and always keep their chimneys clean.

The more I thought about the subject, the more I have become convinced that senior sex might be a good thing now that we are living longer and certain pills are available with a prescription and you don’t know the ladies at the pharmacy personally. The snickering from behind the counter must be embarrassing, or it would be for me if, perish the thought, I ever had need of that sort of thing.

We mustn’t forget several of the old geezers in the Bible were still procreating long past the time they should have been retired and living like kings in an old folks’ hovel. Abraham fathered little Ishmael when he was close to 86.

I may even consider taking a run at this sex business myself in the near future, if not too much running is involved. Well, I don’t mean by myself of course since I am already wearing glasses and my hearing isn’t the best, but I suppose I could try it and report back to you if I’m still alive. With a history of two by-pass surgeries and God knows what else I’m a walking time bomb.

And then there is the problem of convincing Mary to try it since she was both Baptist and Salvation Army, both of which believe that sex in any shape or form is likely fatal unless both participants are wearing rubber boots and a football helmet.      

According to Nils Beckman (obviously not his real name) a PhD student at Gothenburg University of Neuroscience, Physiology and Other Kinky Practices, seniors in Sweden are world-leaders when it comes to the partaking of this pleasant pastime long past their allotted fourscore and ten.

It came as a big surprise to me that Sweden’s 70-year-olds still carry on like teenagers, not only that but they likely fiddle about more than any other old codgers in the world. Of course Sweden only has 5½ hours of daylight in the winter and even Swedes can’t watch hockey all the time. Nevertheless 70 plus does seem a trifle old for engaging in the friskier moves, especially those involving trampolines or trapezes.

It never occurred to me until now, but maybe the Yumping Yimininy we always heard about is a 75-year-old man from Stockholm. If he is, I hope he’s careful. I’m not saying that playing connubial bedroom games in one’s advanced years could be fatal but it wouldn’t hurt to have a spotter on hand – at least for the more technical moves like the double-summersault dismount from a springboard.

I must say I have mixed opinions on the subject of senior sex. I am all for it if both participants are heavily insured. After all there is something quite romantic about waking up to two sets of false teeth in the same glass. On the other hand, there should be a cut-off age when even the idea of mating should be discouraged. I think 27 or 28 should be the upper limit other than holding hands or reading Harlequin Romances together over a cup of warm cocoa. After that any form of sexual activity becomes foolhardy. A healthy couple a few months shy of 30 might take a chance perhaps, but only if a team of cardiac specialists is on hand and the 9 and the 1 are already punched in on the telephone.     

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