Jim Foster

One of their greatest Presidents, Abraham Lincoln said, ‘A nation divided against itself cannot stand,’ and by God, they sure are divided.

Steven Wright: “I bought some batteries but they weren’t included,” or another of his good ones, “What’s another word for thesaurus?”

What a disappointment and a waste of a good tune? Surely the lyricist could have arranged for them to meet someplace, even at the liquor store or Value Village…

I have always been a sucker for romantic movies, everyone knows that, I have written about them so often.

I would like to be remembered for doing something brave when I’m on my way out, but I suspect the hero the world will talk about for centuries won’t be me.

Men too have sacrificed themselves for a cause, but not as often.

If one is taking a chubby chap to a beach, far too often, he is surrounded by animal activists, wetted down, and dragged into the ocean.

Oh, and one more – under no circumstances will I take New Year’s advice from some loony columnist about anything…

“Well to be honest, Mr. Sharpe, I’m not sure if I know what happened. Let me see – I remember coming down the chimney. It’s a very nice one by the way, a straight shaft with none of those curves and right angles in it.

Snowbirds know where he goes but they keep that kind of information to themselves. They ply the old goat with booze so they get first crack at the goodies next Christmas.