Old, Recycled Advice Is Still Advice
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
Back in January I was looking through some old files – for what I have no idea – when I stumbled upon one of my very first columns for the Packet and Times. This one ran on March 5, 1996.
Dear Mr. Foster:
I am a young man of 35 living at home with my parents. I have been quite content with my lot in life until just recently when I read an article in The Packet that referred to something called “girls.” I believe they are the ones my father has been talking to me about. Would it be a good idea for me to approach one or should I wait a few years yet? – Percival Persimmons
Dear Percy:
You seem a little young yet, but I’ve heard of young chaps who went out with women when they were in their late twenties, although their inexperience was painfully obvious and the girls quickly left them and found a more mature man in his late 50’s. But you could try to engage one of these fascinating creatures in conversation. However I must warn you, they will very quickly swing the subject around to marriage and I think you are much too young to consider such a step. Marriage is something that requires a lot of thought and I’m not sure a youth of 35 is capable of making that decision. Some night when your mommy is tucking you in and reading you your story, you might ask her to advise you on the pleasures of marriage and why she drinks gin all day.
First though, Percival, you have to actually meet a nice girl and that isn’t the easiest thing to do. I know a whole bunch of older gentlemen from the Golden K Club whose wives get sick of having them around the house all day and kick them out every Tuesday morning. These chaps have had all kinds of experience with women (women are just like girls except they are brighter and don’t giggle as much).
I asked them the other day what lines they use to pick up women and they have several good ones. “Twenty-three skidoo” seems to be popular, “I love my wife, but oh you kid” runs a close second.
I would try standing out in front of the United Cigar store at 9 o’ clock on a Saturday night. Whenever a young girl walks by with her mother, you could jump out and shout either one of these surefire lines. If she’s not interested, you might have a chance with her mother.
Let me know how you make out? – Mr. Foster
Dear Mr. Foster,
I tried your lines last weekend and they didn’t seem to work all that well. Perhaps I didn’t say them properly. I think jumping out of a darkened doorway shouting “Twenty-three skidoo” was not a particularly good idea. Both the mother and the daughter wet their pants and took off up the street. – Percy
Dear Percy:
That’s odd. I called the boys at the Golden K and told them what happened. Then they remembered, when they used to do it the Salvation Army played hymns in front of the T.D. Bank and if she seemed interested, they could always ask her to dance.
By the way, you weren’t naked at the time I hope? That doesn’t always go over well. I have a friend who tried that and got arrested. Plus, it was January and the freezing didn’t come out until the 24th of May.
Have you tried joining a church group? Although that too can be a problem. A friend of mine joined a singles club at St. Paul’s and met a nice young lady who took him over to meet the minister. She then had him sign what he thought was a pledge sheet for the Cancer Society. When he woke up in the morning, he was married with six kids. Then she made him babysit while she went off with the girls to play bingo and buy Nevada tickets all day.
The last I heard, she won the jackpot and ran off with a beer salesman. He’s stuck at home with six kids and he doesn’t even know their names yet.
Other than that, I don’t know what else you can do. – Mr. Foster
Dear Mr. Foster:
I think my problem is solved. I’ve just been talking to a young girl, Elizabeth Taylor, who I think has been married before. She was down to the “P’s” in the phone book and gave me a call.
I just have a couple of questions. Why should I eat lots of oysters? And, do you think she will read me my story? – Percy
(Image Supplied)
