Flood: The Rest Of The Story
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
And the Lord cometh unto Noah in a dream saying, “Noah, my man, rise up. I wouldst have words with you.”
And Noah sayeth unto the Lord, “Might as well, I have to go to the can anyway. While you are here, Your Grace. You seem to be pretty handy; is there any way you can add an extension to the old bladder? I’m good for about an hour’s sleep tops and it’s off to the john. It’s not bad in the summer, but slogging through a foot of snow in my bare feet three or four times a night is no bowl of manna once the winter winds start howling. I’m no spring chicken you know, 600 years old if I’m a day.”
Verily didst the Lord answer unto him, “I’ll see what I can do but I’ve a pretty heavy schedule at the moment. I’ve got this flood thing coming up and some bonehead in Ireland is organizing a parade.”
“What flood thing?”
“That’s what I was calling you about. I’m just a little cheesed off with the way some of your pals have been carrying on; a little too much fornicating and not enough sacrificing if you know what I mean. I want you to start working on a boat.”
“You want me to work on a boat? You mean, like, get a job on a cruise ship or something? I guess I can get out the old ukulele and brush up on a few numbers. Hum that Rock of Ages ditty to me again. That tune topped the charts for 6 weeks in Canaan.”
“Not work on a boat like signing up for the crew. I want you to build a boat.”
“Are you slipping a few cogs, your Omnipotence? I don’t know how to build a flipping boat. I couldn’t even figure out how to nail up a toilet paper hangar on the bathroom wall. The roll is still sitting on the back of the john. With those smarts, how in hell can I build a bloody boat?”
“Don’t worry. I’ve picked up a set of plans for you. Now you’re going to need a bit of lumber. You might try Home Hardware. They’re running a special this week on gopher wood.”
“Gopher wood? Is that good?”
“The gophers seem to like it. Here’s the layout. I got it out of their spring and summer catalogue. I think we can get by with this baby, The Ark. It’s a compact model, about 300 cubits by 50.”
“That’s the compact model! Look at the size of it! What are we building here a You-damned aircraft carrier? All I need is a little runabout for me and the missus to do a little waterskiing up at the cottage.”
“Well, not exactly, you’re going to have some passengers.”
“Ah crap! Don’t tell me I have to invite the Samaritans. You know I hate the Samaritans. If I have to listen to that jerk yapping about how nice his bloody lawn looks, forget it. And Beulah, that wife of his…“
“You’re not taking the Samaritans. In fact you’re not taking anyone. Well, except for the kids, Shem, Ham, and Japheth. Although to be honest, I’m wavering on young Japheth. That little bugger is spending far too much time in the can with those stone tablets he bought off the top rack at the United Cigar Store for my liking. I want you to take a few animals along for the ride.”
“I could make room for a couple of cats, I suppose. All they do is sleep anyway, but dogs are out. Nothing makes me feel as stupid as walking some yapping poodle and carrying a little bag to pick up his doggie doo.”
“I’m afraid it’s a few more than a couple of cats; I want you to round up a pair of every animal on the face of the Earth.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m going to flood the place, that’s why. Male and female animals by the way, they’ll have a lot of propagating to do.”
“Hold it! Not propagating — not in front of my wife they’re not. The bride is pretty straight-laced, you know. She still gets undressed behind the bedroom door. I haven’t seen her naked since our wedding night. Even then it was just a flash as she bolted by on her way to the old trampoline. I have to admit the rose tattoo on her bum threw me a bit. I haven’t seen it for years, but if it’s anything like the rest of her, I imagine her rose would cover a half an acre by now. Look, you were kidding about taking all the animals, I hope. You don’t really expect me to pack everything from meeces to elephants on the old tub?”
“You got it, Sunshine! And you better get cracking. I’m going to start a 40-day thunderstorm right after the kids open their presents on Christmas morning.”
“Wait a minute! Who’s going to pay for this stuff? I’ve got two kids in university and the old lady has been hinting around about a week in Aruba.”
“That’s the beauty of credit cards. You don’t have to pay a dime and there won’t be a soul around to collect it.”
“Good thinking! With a mind like that you must be a Conservative.”
And so Noah didst labour and hammer and putter about in his basement for months. Then one morning, his wife, Florence, didst call down the cellar stairs and bellow unto him, “Hey, Noah, how are you going to get that sucker out of there?”
And Noah sayeth unto her, “I’m going to drag it up the stairs, then push it through that little doorway and… aah shit!”
And lo didst he labour many more months, this time out in the driveway, until the Lord didst call down, “How are you coming, Sparky? I got the sou’wester lined up for tomorrow morning.”
“I know, I saw it on the Weather Channel. I guess she’s finished. What do you think of her?”
“Not bad, although Noah’s Nooky is not a name I would have chosen. The animals are lined up down the street. Start loading.”
Yea, verily, no sooner had the last pair, two aardvarks, waddled up the gangplank than didst it start to rain. And it didst rain and pour and the lightning didst flash and the thunder didst clap for 40 days and 40 nights. And the waters were upon the Earth to a depth of 45 cubits and every man, woman, child and beast of the field didst drown.
Lo, when the storm ceased and the sun didst come out, Noah lookest out the window of the wheelhouse and saw that all was good — except for thousands upon thousands of householder’s insurance policies floating hither and thither with the Act of God clauses circled in red. And Noah didst float around many more months until the waters began to recede.
According to the Lord’s instructions, didst he loose a brace of ducks and they flew off in all directions. From the distance shoreline a volley of shotgun blasts didst echo across the waters and Noah didst say, “Must be October!” and he didst close the window and went back to doing his year-end inventory. There were green alligators and long-necked geese, some honky-tonk angels and some chimpanzees – you know the rest, you’ve heard the song.
And on the third year of their voyage, he didst send forth two doves and they flew away. After 20 minutes there was no sign of them so Noah opened the doors. All the animals, by this time three by three or four by four and about a thousand rabbits didst march down the gangplank into thirty cubits of water and drown.
Then the doves came back!
(Image Supplied)
