And Yet, It Happened
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
One of the problems with basing a religion on stories from the Bible is that most tales told around a thousand campfires tend to get distorted somewhat as the years, centuries, and millennia roll by. The reader will no doubt be surprised to learn that on occasion that distortion can be alcohol related. What started out as a small mishap or relatively minor political or social event, through the visionary qualities of fermented camel milk, can become one of the greatest moments in the history of mankind.
An example of this aberration is the strange case of the prophet, Ezekiel, and his so-called wheel a-rollin’ in the middle of the air vision. From a Highway Patrol accident report of the incident, what actually happened was Ezekiel was almost wiped out on a Chaldean turnpike when a passing chariot threw a wheel at 40 miles an hour. (64.37376 kph if you must)
Zeke, as he was known to his friends, had been standing on the side of the road having a whiz when an iron Michelin prototype sailed by missing his head by some 60 cubits before it caromed off the balding dome of a passing Hittite. Still shaken by the near miss, he just happened to mention his close encounter of a rolling kind to a few of the good old boys while they were splitting a ewer of Mountain Goat Lite at the Cock and Bullock Tavern.
As the hour grew late and someone cracked another goat, the wheel business was embellished to some extent until it eventually ran to 48 Biblical chapters. A number of strikingly beautiful maidens were now involved and somehow during the 33rd recounting of the incident the Earth apparently ground to a halt and started to go backwards. At that point the tale began to seem a little far-fetched even to the heavier drinkers, and the beautiful maiden part and the sudden appearance of the Goddess Minerva bare-naked were dropped from the story.
The yarn likely would have surpassed the works of the late J.R.R.Tolkien for wordiness had Zeke’s wife not grabbed him by the ear and hauled him off to bed.
Perhaps the best example (or worst depending on your point of view) is the remarkable story of King David and Bathsheba, an immensely attractive and I might add, married neighbour. The King’s press secretary managed to spin a clear case of regal voyeurism into a love story as pure and sweet as the Bill and Monica tryst without the cigar.
If I remember the movie which I believe remained fairly faithful to the Biblical story except for all of it, King David (Gregory Peck) while walking on his balcony espied the lovely Bathsheba Levinson (Susan Hayward) scrubbing her barnacles on a nearby roof and fell head over his Birkenstock sandals in love.
According to folklore and the writings of the Roman-Jewish historian, Josephus Flavius, outdoor bathing was quite common at the time, as was full-immersion river baptism, sea-parting and water-walking (see www.galileefishingtour.com). The resulting affair became one of the great love stories of history along with Arthur and Guinivere, Lancelot and Guinivere, and Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels.
Several documented facts of the affair were conveniently left out of the story. It was common knowledge around the palace that King David was a peeping Tom of the worst kind and most evenings his majesty could be found hanging from his fingertips peeking in bedroom windows, outdoor privies and once by mistake, the air vent of Samson’s bathroom. The Israeli strongman, already testy over a humiliating attack of penile dysfunction on Delilah’s couch, hauled him in through the 6” hole and punched his lights out.
Nor is it mentioned anywhere in the scrolls that Bathsheba, far from being a shy young housewife, was a well-known exhibitionist and her shapely bottom had been a surprise guest at a number of birthday parties. Her penchant for public nudity is well documented. The sultry brunette became an international celebrity when she appeared at the door of King Nebuchadnezzar’s New Year’s Eve Costume Ball wearing naught but black shoes and black gloves claiming to be the Five of Spades.
Another story from the Old Testament that is questionable is the legendary wisdom of the great King Solomon. His scholarship has also fallen into dispute after German archaeologists discovered what appears to be his Grade 6 report slate in which he received nothing higher than a ‘C’ and that was for going to the bathroom by himself.
Lately there has been much controversy over the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt since there seems to be little or no evidence that Moses ever existed. If what the minimalists say is true and the flight proves to be based on a myth, then even the validity of the Ten Commandments can be questioned, especially the one about coveting thy neighbour’s ass.
(Image Supplied)
