We Are The Final Frontier
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
I read a fascinating article in the Toronto Star by Kevin Jiang about the dangers of space travel, in particular astronauts spending long periods of time without Earth’s gravity and a few other problems we will get into later. Kevin did quite a good job considering he was not raised on a steady diet of Buck Rogers comics like I was.
I know zero gravity can cause your muscles to atrophy if you are subjected to it for a long period of time. Since I have no muscles to speak of it is not worth worrying about. I did have them at one time; back when I was an Olympic-calibre athlete and in my prime. But once I turned 87 I let things slide a tad until even getting out of the bathtub requires Mary, Mark and Angie from next door and a large spatula.
If you will recall astronauts Suni Williams and Kevin Wilmore were trapped in the space station for nine months and when they were finally fished out the Gulf of Mexico they had to be carried out of the space capsule on a stretcher. Apparently that is quite common and according to experts many space travellers experience extreme nausea and difficulty walking on re-entry to Earth. I’ve heard that condition is somewhat similar to the trials and tribulations suffered by many golfers leaving a golf course after a day in the hot sun, although in one or two cases alcohol could have been involved.
I have no idea how the two astronauts handled that terribly long delay and they must have wondered many times if they would ever get back to Earth. I locked myself in the bathroom once and had to be sedated. That was when I was 5-years-old and years before 911. It wouldn’t have helped much because we only had one phone and it was hanging on the wall in the kitchen. It frightened me so much that even today I leave the door open – it’s a bit embarrassing when we have friends over.
Kevin’s article states our bodies evolved over hundred of millennia to adapt to Earth’s environments and are not designed to survive in the cosmos.
As researchers examine deep space travel, longer voyages and even the colonization of other planets, the question of how we can keep humans healthy in space has become a vital one. No mention of how space travellers, especially the gentlemen on the Starship Enterprise, will control themselves when Counselor Deanna Troi and Doctor Beverley Crusher are cavorting around in skintight uniforms. Deanna, as everyone knows is half-human and half Betazoid and sometimes at bedtime can be seen wearing this sheer… excuse me I have to go and lie down.
What were we . . . oh, space stuff.
For me, I think the isolation and being in a cramped, dangerous and stressful environment for months at a time would drive me buggy. Suni and Butch seemed to have got along but what if they didn’t? What if one was born-again and the other was normal? What if one was a Carney Liberal and the other was the only person who voted for that Pierre fellow?
What if… and this is really bad … what if the other guy took off his or her space helmet and was wearing one of Trump’s MAGA hats? The first time he went for a spacewalk I’d slam the door on his oxygen hose.
For a hundred years we have been hearing rumours of aliens from outer space snooping around, not up here thank God. They seem to prefer the Ozarks and I don’t blame them. Mary was in the States a few years ago and brought back a bottle of triple-distilled moonshine. It was wonderful and when I woke up a week later my lumbago was cured. On the downside, I went for a colonoscopy and the fireball … well that’s why Orillia needs a new hospital.
But back to the aliens, if they are friendly, fine. Sure they might look funny like your relatives from Barrie or some other God-forsaken place. But what if they aren’t? I read somewhere some green guys took a guy from Arkansas up to the mother ship, pulled down his overalls and probed him. He said it was one of the most enriching experiences of his life. Every Friday he goes back to the same clearing and waits and waits and waits. They never took him up again, although they always take his triple-distilled moonshine.
(Image Supplied)
